"Shall we try again?"

Of all the emails I receive there are many from both men and women who ask this age-old question rather than any other, ‘My relationship is in trouble, so how to I know if it is worth saving, or is it already doomed? And if we are to go on together, how can we do this?’

We all know that relationships are likely to hit a sticky patch sooner or later. But most of us mentally cross our fingers and hope against hope that it won’t be our marriage that is under threat. The glow of the honeymoon period may have faded, or perhaps it is more serious than that. Possibly there has been violence, or a betrayal of some sort. Or it may be as Brian, a man of thirty-nine, wrote to me this week, ‘We don’t seem to like each other anymore’, and he went on to ask me if I believed that marriages could be ‘mended’, or if it were better to face up to the reality of another failed relationship, and to move on.

And what if this is the second or third relationship which you started with great enthusiasm and hope, but which like the others ended in tears and recrimination? In this case you will already know the pain which accompanies a break-up.

The fact is that if you want to have another go at reviving a relationship which seems to be collapsing, there are things to think over and which you both need to be clear about. First of all what are you expecting? Do you want things ‘back as they were’ or are you prepared to sort out the worrying issues and, with some new understanding, make a fresh start?

Look back to those early days of your courtship, at the beginning of your relationship. What attracted you to your partner? Why do you think you fell in love? The answers to these questions may give you a clue about what has happened. If you fell in love with someone who was a prize to be won, you may have found over the years that it has been a struggle to keep at bay others who are attracted to your partner in the way you were. Or if you ‘fell’ for someone who was laid-back, your partner’s attitude which was once so appealing, may have palled when he or she never, makes a decision or commitment. You may have grownup and moved on from wanting a partner whose appeal was that of a protective mother or father; you may now want a more equal relationship instead, since the tangle of an unhappy one is often centred around the issues of independence or dependence. Does any of this sound familiar?

Are you just fed up and bored with your partner? Be careful, because changing partners however attractive this proposition may seem, is no guarantee that ‘second time around’ will be an easier ride - especially if you have no idea about why your present relationship has failed.

So can you go forward together? Can you still appreciate your partner, and say so? Can you think of ways to rekindle your passion for each other - maybe not in the same way but possibly in a deeper, loving and caring way? Can you find the enthusiasm in you to get back in touch with your partner physically and emotionally? Just think of the energy you put into those courtship days!

Brian, in further emails, told me that he had changed his mind from feeling that he didn’t like his partner any more; thinking things over had helped him to see that what he didn’t like was the way he felt criticized day in and day out. And thinking this over he took some of the blame himself and accepted that his behaviour probably meant that his wife didn’t like him very much either, most of the time. He decided it was time to talk! To his surprise his words, ‘Shall we try again?’ were met with open arms and smiling agreement. So rather than another slamming door, Brian and Patti have put their heads together to find a way back to being a loving couple - and that can’t be bad.

© Jill Curtis 2002

To read more about strategies to rekindle a relationship read
Jill’s book Find Your Way through Divorce