Whether or not to walk away from a serious long-term relationship is one of the biggest decisions you can make.

 The question may never crossed your mind, but suddenly a bombshell explodes in your life when you discover that your partner is struggling to find an answer and may even be planning a way out. You may have thought yours was a secure relationship, so you will feel totally helpless while your partner makes up his or her mind, because the outcome will turn your life upside down.

On the other hand, if you are the partner who has doubts, it will be a question which like so many other men and women you will have to face and agonize over. Is this why you are reading this article? Are you struggling with this predicament at this very moment?
 
There are several reasons which cause this question to be asked. As I discuss in one of the most frequently assessed articles on this website Domestic Violence ... Are You a Victim?, top of the list is where there is abuse and violence in a marriage.  The second most common is the discovery of an extramarital affair.

 Many a casual fling slips into something much deeper, precipitating a man or woman in a previously committed relationship to find that serious choices have to be made. A new lover may be putting pressure on, or it may be that a husband or wife feels that new fields have opened up in some other way, prompting flight from a long-term relationship. A new life, just like a new love, can be very seductive.

 Of course there are people who when they find themselves in this position believe they ‘know’ it is time to breakup, and part they do, often crossing their fingers in the hope that ‘all will work out’. But it is never as straightforward or as pain-free as this, and the fallout will usually come later when their discarded partner, and children, bring reality into the picture. Anyone who has been in this position knows that it is harder to walk away than most people realise: feet begin to drag and the new lover hears excuses like ‘I will leave when the kids are older’ or ‘I will leave, but give me time’ or ‘I would leave but I know he/she will kill herself’.

 With the first shock of the discovery of an affair, there is disbelief, swiftly followed by anger, for the one who has been betrayed. And it is often not  the partner who has strayed but the other one who has to make the decision whether or not to try to salvage the marriage. My experience of working with couples has taught me that while the one who strayed may be racked with guilt and even remorse, so too is the partner who is left frantically wondering why and how it all went wrong. In this situation wives may try to become more sexual, husbands to be more thoughtful, but with the shadow of betrayal casting a pall over the relationship both partners may be pondering over the serious question of whether or not to stay together. Factors which influence there decision are the need for security and familiarity, fear of the outside world, and if there are children, what the effect upon them would be if the family broke apart.

When a man or woman is on the receiving end of domestic violence from a partner, different concerns come to the fore in deciding whether to go or stay. People on the outside of a relationship often wonder why anyone stays in an abusive relationship. But, they fail to realise that what can go hand in hand with abuse are the same seductive factors as with infidelity. In addition the violent partner can come up with such promises as ‘Never again’ (the serial adulterer) or ‘I will change’ (like the repentant spouse) and even use sugar coated words to explain that as a new sexual relationship or a slap around the face ‘didn’t mean a thing’.

So how many chances should you give a partner who strays, or whose irrational mood-swings leave you in fear of another beating? What if you are repeatedly shouted at for no reason that you can understand? What if drink or drugs change the partner you loved beyond recognition?

Find someone to talk is always my first piece of advice. Perhaps not loving friends or family, because they will not be able to help being biased, and so not the best people to help you clear your mind. It is better to find someone who has been trained to help you to take a long hard look at your life and your relationships. They will help you to see that there are ways back, but it can be hard work to rekindle a marriage. No way can you turn the clock back to the relationship you thought you had before the affair or violent incident. But if you are both willing - really willing -  to accept that change will be needed by each of you, then have a go. Whatever the outcome, you will gain strength in the future by knowing that you gave it your best shot.

 Hearts can be mended sometimes but they always remain bruised for a very long time.