The 'sandwich generation'

Are you ever caught in the middle? Do you often feel you don't know which way to turn? Are there just not enough hours in the day? If the answer is ‘yes' you may well be one of the very large number of women who are overburdened by being stretched between the different generations: care for an elderly parent having to be balanced - somehow - against the needs of your own children and very likely their offspring as well. No one has been able to provide statistics of the number of women who are entrapped in the web of an extended family.

Perhaps it has always been the same, but in today's rushed world with higher expectations all around, a woman can find herself facing agonising choices between the needs of an elderly relative and those of a child, or grandchild, and/or a working life. A woman may be nearing the peak of her career when the call comes to care for a parent with a terminal disease, or to support a grandchild who has severe special needs.

Take these three women for example: Beryl, at fifty-five holds down a high pressure job, caring for her home and husband as well. And yet, in her ‘spare’ time provides support for a ninety-year-old father who lives alone, two aged aunts who need ferrying to hospital appointments, and ‘pops in’ and shops for a housebound neighbour. She does all this willingly and without complaint, and yet the toll on her is all too easy to see.

Abigail, an ‘only’ child, working in the city is able to provide financially for her parents. But, as she says, that is not the end of the story. Any carefully vetted and employed help is sent packing by her father who denies that they need support, but who telephones Abigail constantly to ‘buy this or to ‘collect that' from the shops - always ending with a plaintive ‘When are you coming to see us? Tonight?’

Clare told me, with a laugh, that she does not work. Well, outside of the house that is. What she does do, though, is to care for her three grandchildren and a mother who has Alzheimer's. The situation came about when her daughter’s husband left her after which the children have had no contact with him. Six month’s on Clare’s daughter died of breast cancer.

Not surprisingly none of these women have a moment to themselves, and yet not one of them saw themselves as anything but ‘just getting on with it’. What would we, as society, do without the hours and hours of unpaid work and caring these women provide?

Perhaps not everyone is quite so stretched as these three women who talked to me, but there are few of us who do not carry some responsibility for a vulnerable person. These include grandmothers who babysit to relieve stressed young mothers, ‘aunties’ who give a single parent some much needed time off at the weekend - they all provide untold support. A cooked meal taken to an elderly person living on their own, giving up time to have a cup of tea with a recently bereaved neighbour, even a phone call to a lonely person to say ‘How are you?’and ‘Anything I can do for you?’ can, and does, provide a lifeline for many of them.

The important thing is to know one’s own limits. It won’t help anyone if the Abigails, Clares and Beryls of this world breakdown under the strain. Get help, where it is possible, to underpin the work you do. Ask your local Social Services for Respite Care and for other services for the aged, pass on the telephone number of Cruse, see if a local church offers a shopping service for housebound people, contact helplines for different disabilities. Don't get caught in the trap of believing that only you can provide what is needed. Get some help before you suffer from burn out, or that most dreaded feeling - resentment.

You may have a heart of gold, and perform the things you do with love, but sharing the load helps everybody. Taking some time off, and asking for some help is not a crime. Keep in mind that in the end protection for yourself is protection for your family and the ones you love.

© Jill Curtis 2004