"Who will give the bride away?" 

For a second wedding there are a lot more details to consider than for a first, and there are more opportunities to be original. For example, have you decided who will give the bride away? There are those who believe they don’t have to be ‘given away’ a second time. Some prefer to be ‘escorted’ or ‘accompanied’ down the aisle, and make their choice accordingly. Other brides decide to walk by themselves.

The Father of the Bride at a first wedding is a most significant figure! After all, he is usually the host, and secondly he has the very important job of escorting his daughter down the aisle. A father might be only too pleased to repeat his performance, but what if he refuses to do it ‘a second time?’ Try not to be too distressed, and remember there is great flexibility about who can perform this task. A friend, a child or another relative who would like to be there for you is preferable to a father who, for his own reasons, doesn’t want to be there. There are mothers who will certainly step in if asked, and be only too happy to escort their daughter or even to ‘give their daughter away’! So, you see there are alternatives.

In these days of second marriages, it is often not only be the bridal couple who are taking a second chance of happiness: their parents, too, may be divorced and one or both of them remarried. So, it can be a difficult situation if there is a father and a stepfather in the background who are both willing to give the bride away. What is a bride to do when faced with this situation? Annie: ‘Both my father and my stepfather both assume that they will be giving me away. Oh the tears that I have shed over this.’

This choice is often especially hard if there is a much loved step-father. I firmly believe that it is totally out of order for anyone in a family to ‘blackmail’, or try to influence, a bride in her choice - as it should be acknowledged how difficult it must be for her already. But often the pressure is there to make the ‘right’ choice.

‘I’ll have both,’ cried Elaine. And she did. She came down the aisle with a father on one arm and a stepdad on the other which kept everybody happy. Another bride said with exasperation: ‘Enough! I won’t have anybody. I will walk myself down.’ And she did just what she said she would.

For a woman who already has children the job, the honour, of walking with the bride is often given to a son or daughter. And this is something that they will almost certainly love to do.It can be a wonderful experience for a son or daughter to escort their mother on her wedding day. Indeed one of the most beautiful weddings I have attended was when the bride was accompanied down the aisle by a son on each side of her. When the vicar asked, ‘Who gives this woman?’ there was a delighted chorus of, ‘We do.’

Some people worry that this is ‘crossing the generation boundary’ but I do not see it this way. As more and more second weddings are ‘family’ weddings it is very appropriate for an older child, who is willing, to be given this honour. It is a wonderful way of showing that there is unity in the decision to marry.

Donna was married in a small wedding chapel. There were only ten people there, including the bridal couple, and no reception was organized. Donna: ‘I hadn’t thought of anyone giving me away until the preacher asked who was going to do it. My son stepped forward to do the honours, and it meant the world to me that he put aside his personal feelings to make sure I was happy. For that I will always be grateful.’

If, sadly, the father of the bride has died, then look for an old friend of the family or a relation. It is a great privilege to be asked to carry out this important role, so think carefully about whom you ask. Gloria: ‘My dad passed away only two months before my wedding. My grandfather asked if he could take his place, and I was so pleased to agree. On the day, there wasn’t a dry eye in the church!’

Wanda, a young widow, told me that her own father had died when she was a child, and with trepidation she asked her father-in-law to ‘do the honours’ at her second wedding. She watched with horror as his eyes filled with tears, but they were tears of happiness on her behalf - that she had found joy and love again.

Caroline: ‘My best friend is getting married again, and her parents will not come to the wedding. What can we do about giving her away? Will I do?’ Yes, of course, a close friend will do very nicely.

Whatever you decide, remember that it is your wedding day, and once you have weighed up everybody’s opinion (and I am sure everyone will have all told you what they think!) go with the person you feel is right in your heart to be by your side on this important day.

© Jill Curtis 2002

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