Widows and widowers -
are you planning to marry again?

Over the years views about how a recently widowed man or woman should behave have altered beyond belief. The set periods of time of mourning a spouse have long since gone, and the biblical notion that a widow is obliged to marry her deceased husband’s brother has faded right away.

Bereaved men and women are, however, still uncertain about what the future holds once the searing pain of loss subsides. Friends and family may indeed urge you to look for another partner, or your own needs may eventually have encouraged you to dip your toe into the dating game once more. And when a possible partner has been found then the anxieties make themselves felt again and you begin to wonder once more about ‘other people’s’ views and expectations.

It can be surprising how old worries resurface. Even fears of being thought of as unfaithful to a loved husband or wife. And yet, if you began to date again when you felt ready, and had the fortune of finding yourself in a loving relationship, why should you not take the opportunity of a second chance at happiness?

Of course, this time around things will be different. Anyone who has been married already comes with memories of a previous relationship. These may be loving and happy ones, or in some cases they may be painful and bitter. So it is important to know that you have given yourself time to grieve over your loss, and that you are not simply filling a void left there by the death of a life-partner.

Love this time around may feel different to the heady falling-in-love of a younger man or woman, but maturity will have taught you that there are many different ways of loving. Love can come at any age, and who said only the very young can fall in love? It may surprise you to feel inside yourself once again a surge of sexual feelings which you thought had gone for ever.

If you have kids, then you will, I am sure, have taken the time to help them get to know your new partner. Don’t take their acceptance for granted! Depending on their ages they will have different reactions, and don’t be surprised if there is some embarrassment about mother or father falling in love and planning a wedding. Children, of almost any age, find it hard to think of a parent as a sexual being.

The important thing is to talk to your intended about everything. Money, children, where you will live, different habits and routines you like. And be prepared for change. Be flexible enough to know that you will need to make some compromises too. Planning a wedding after the death of a spouse may bring up some bittersweet memories - perhaps for you both. Be kind to each other, talk to each other about the past, and recognise sensitive issues. Don’t begin to fret that your partner is into comparisons, and don’t get caught in that trap yourself.

And the wedding? My book How to Get Married ... Again will help you to find the answers which nag away at any bride or bridegroom-to-be: ‘What size wedding?’ and other important questions like ‘Who will give the bride away?’ (In this respect you may find you are spoilt for choice with children, and perhaps grandchildren wanting the honour.)

‘What to wear?’ Well, I am sure you have every confidence in your choice of what suits you - so make sure you please yourself and look your loveliest. After all you are the bride or groom on this special day, so look to the future and celebrate your love for each other on this day of your new wedding.

© Jill Curtis 2004