A Death in the family

Sooner or later we are all affected by the death of someone we love. Of course, we each have our own individual way of reacting when we are faced by grief and loss, so keep in mind that one person’s response may be very different from another’s. If this is not taken into account, there can easily be a rift between different family members. Whereas some people find an outlet in uncontrollable tears, others may weep in private, or indeed find it impossible to let go at all in this way.

The death may have come out of the blue and so the sudden shock at hearing the news may make it difficult to accept that it has taken place at all: this kind of denial is often the first reaction, and so the often heard ‘Oh, no!’ is thus a way of warding off the dreaded tidings.

A death caused by an accident will trigger off a host of questions; a preoccupation with ‘What if’s’ is likely to haunt for some time. Almost all deaths bring about a need to blame someone, and so after a suicide the family left behind will often wrestle in vain to understand how they missed the signals which if acted on may have saved a life. If the death comes from an accident, it is not unusual for the blame to fall upon the person who has died ‘What on earth was she doing?’ or ‘Why did he go there?’ The hardest situation of all is when someone blames themselves for the death - for whatever reason - of the one they loved.

To be racked by ‘if only’s’ is all too common, and if the loss comes as a result of depression, drinking too much, or drug abuse, families are left in torment about what they should - or could - have done. It is often little comfort to know that ways were tried and failed. The burden carried is not lightened, and indeed the weight is often compounded, by the thought that ‘I should have tried harder’. But, in fact it is not always possible to know the extent of someone’s alcohol or drug intake, and certainly depression can be masked in all manner of ways from the most observant and caring person.

Keep in mind also that a miscarriage is a bereavement. Remember that misery can be added to anguish by kindly friends saying supposedly encouraging things such as ‘Try again right away’ or even not accepting the event for the tragedy it is.

If a death comes after a long illness it can be a surprise to find that even though you thought you were prepared for it to happen, the impact is still painful and time is still needed to ease the grief. It is not helpful to hear from well-meaning friends or family that ‘It was a blessed release.’ Very often hearing that doesn’t help at all.

As much as we may accept that to lose a parent is in the order of things, and even if we think we have prepared ourselves for this eventuality, the blow when it comes is severe. If there has been deep love, then the loss can be almost unbearable, if there has been discord, the pain of knowing that it is now too late to mend fences can be very hard to deal with.

How can you help someone through their grief and mourning? Never try to encourage someone to look on the bright side. To say ‘He lived to a ripe old age’ or ‘It’s for the best, really’ or even ‘She would have wanted it this way’ is actually to dismiss the complicated and raw feelings that are stirred up after a death of a loved one. Even wise words, such as ‘Time is a great healer’ do not mean very much to someone in the throws of mourning. Anyone who is suffering needs all the support they can get. People need this help, though, in different ways. For some, to know that there is a friend to call on at any time of the day or night is a blessing; for others to be left to grieve in peace is the best gift you can provide. Empathy and understanding are the watch words here. If you are truly wanting to help someone - be there when they feel an urge to talk, and fade into the background when they need some space. Make sure that there is food available, and be on the lookout for jobs that must be done. A flurry of activity is often a way of masking grief, and if this is someone’s way of coping let them be.

How long does this acute period of mourning last? It varies with each of us. Prolonged grief can blight someone’s life - remember how Queen Victoria reacted to the premature death of her beloved Albert. Fortunately in today’s world help is available from a variety of outside sources. A visit to a GP, a counsellor, or a call to ‘Cruise’ may be what is needed. Recovery from a bereavement takes many forms. Some men and women can, and do, eventually move on. Others are walking-wounded for a long long time. So be kind, whether to yourself or someone close to you, and take time not only to mourn, but to recall the good times as well. These memories will help to keep out the bitter cold of knowing you have lost forever someone who had a special place in your heart

© Jill Curtis 2004