Grandparents and step-grandparents ahoy!

With recognition of all the different ways divorce affects families there still is not much thought given to grandparents; and how their lives are changed when one of their children is involved in a divorce.

The research for my books on the impact of divorce on families brought me into contact with many grandparents as well as parents. I was prepared for the pain and distress and often confusion that I would hear about from men and women talking about the breakup of their own relationship, but I was not so prepared to hear the first-hand accounts from the grandmothers and grandfathers whose lives had been shattered by a divorce in the family. Couples who had looked forward to, and planned, for their retirement often found themselves involved once more in the day-to-day care of children if a parent with a child had to return to work, or to work longer hours. I met grandparents who had taken on the sole care of children again: often a divorce and perhaps a subsequent crisis meant they were forced to step in. This was always done with love, but often with a heavy heart as well. They were all conscious that less energy was a difficulty, and so too, was worry about finance.

I listened to grandparents telling me they felt bereaved after a divorce on account of the loss of a loved son- or-daughter-in-law. Sadly, too, there are more grandparents than you might think who lose all contact with a grandchild after a family breakup.

What if your son or daughter remarries, or forms a new family where there are already children from an earlier relationship? I heard from Alice: "I adore my grandson Jake, but suddenly overnight I had two more when my son decided to live with Ruth and her boys." Alice told me that she was still grieving over the loss of her daughter-in-law and found it difficult to welcome with open arms a "new" daughter plus two little boys. Alice painted a clear picture of the dilemma faced by many step-grandparents: do you "take on" and "get involved" with these children? And if you do, how will "your" grandson react? Alice said she was uncertain whether the new partnership would last; she was reluctant to develop a love for her new step grandchildren and her obvious preference for Jake became a bone of contention within the family. Alice and her husband also experienced another common difficulty: because Ruth’s boys already had grandparents of their own, and actually resented being presented with a new set of grandparents.

Margery was bewildered when her daughter married a man with two adolescent children. Margery: "I had never been a grandmother, and if I had got to know my new step grandchildren as babies I suppose all would have been well. But two bolshy kids who don’t even want to talk to me is too much." "Besides," Margery continued, "My son-in-law is years older than my daughter and in fact nearer my age than my daughters’, and this means the grandchildren are too old for me to cuddle. It is as if the generations have got muddled up."

Kimmie: "I was a step-grandmother while married. Now that we are divorced, my children remain as aunt and uncle to the children, but I have no name. We are in a fog how to explain who I am in words that a three-year and six-year-old can grasp. Vocabulary does not give us a word for these relationships."

Andrew: "My son moved in with a girl who has three little kids. I went to visit with good intentions, but when I found out she had the children from three different partners I drew back at once. How could I be sure she would stay with my son? I begged him not to have a child with her. I knew I’d be sad enough if the three went, but it would kill me if a grandchild of my own blood was to go too."

Grandparents are important in the lives of their grandchildren and can provide some support and stability, especially at a time when a young family may be floundering. The fact that a family breakup can result in a child losing half of his or her family is often ignored, and that is a calamity for any family. Long-distance grand parenting can be a problem, but technology in the shape of faxes and the Internet can help a great deal. Children love getting mail.

Step-grandparents are also important. Of course, it takes time for a new family to regroup together and perhaps that is where a wise grandma or grandpa can help to oil the wheels. After all, when children are settling into a new family pattern they do need to feel the adults around them are all pulling in the same direction.

I would like to end on a positive note from Bridget: "No problems, if my son could love his new wife’s children then so could I." Blood might well be thicker than water, but the love between a grandchild and a grandparent is beyond price, so make sure you do your very best to get this relationship up and running. To be told you are about to become a grandparent can be a magic moment for most men and women. To be told you are about to become a step grandparent is different to be sure, and it requires a steady hand and a determination to put your best foot forward. Nobody says it will be easy, but the rewards will speak for themselves.

© Jill Curtis 2002