Baby-changing rooms are for dads too Nothing can divide a group of women so completely as a discussion about being a stay-at-home mother or a working mum. This article, however, is not about that debate but a discussion of the kind of childcare support mother and child can expect from the father. Of all the changes in society in the last forty years one of the most significant concerns the involvement of the dad with his new baby. This begins with preparations before the birth, and particularly at the time of the birth. The dad-pacing-the-waiting-room floor of previous times has become the really hands-on dad in the delivery room: when I went to visit my new granddaughter it was my son who was fast asleep in the hospital bed from exhaustion! It is a delight to see how so many fathers are involved with the skills of bringing up babies, and that they are not confined to trips to see the ducks, but are there in the baby-changing room and are knowledgeable about the pro’s and con’s of disposable nappies. Society is beginning to wake up, with the recent introduction of paternity leave, and to acknowledging the importance of the father during those early days, not only in supporting the new mother but by getting to know his child intimately, so that there are not two but three in the ‘baby- moon’ period. It is also helpful for the future that a pattern of shared care starts at this time. Studies of children and adults show the importance of those early years in building a foundation on which a healthy adult life develops later. Women have opened the nursery door to men, through which many men have happily entered into the world of mother and child. For far too long we have been neglecting the importance of the father-child relationship. Early research into mother and baby bonding effectively ignored or undervalued the role of the father. I believe this has had the knock-on effect of blinding some men to the importance of their role in the lives of their children. Sadly, this has often meant that if a family breaks up the father may not realize that his absence will have a devastating effect on his children. Fathers who have been involved emotionally and physically from the start with a child know this is not true, and will somehow negotiate a way to stay central to their children's lives. More women are returning to work either through choice or necessity while they still have young children. It is hard for a mother to get it right. When it comes to thinking about whether to work outside the home and to leave a child to the care of someone else, then the worries truly flood in. Many parents do manage to work out a way to share working and childcare - something which would have been unheard of when I had young children. I spoke today with Pauline: ‘I work four days a week, and my husband works four days too. On the day we both work my mother has Sally for the day.’ Pauline and her husband both said they had cared for Sally together from her birth, and this way of dividing up her care was one which suited them all. Pauline acknowledged she was lucky to have a supportive mother around the corner. And from Angela: ‘We are fortunate. With a fax machine and e-mail my husband can work mainly at home. I work part-time. Jim has met many men in his situation. The times they are a’changing.’ The media was agog last month when a father was denied the request to work part-time in order to care for his child. His wife worked full time, for more pay, and they decided that two parents working full time was too hard on six-month-old Hannah. Not every woman has this choice, and society needs to find a way of supporting those women who do not have a partner who is willing or able to share childcare. There are moves afoot to encourage more employers to be more family friendly and to make it easier for women to re-enter the job market when their children go to school. In this way they can concentrate, if they wish, more on their children in those early years rather than their jobs. Men who have a second family later in life are often astounded to find themselves so involved with their children second time around. This can often bring on feelings of sadness and regret when thinking of what they missed out when their first children were small. This has all meant a big change for women as well as for men. Perhaps there is a sense of loss for some women when Daddy is chosen to read the bedtime story, or to kiss a hurt better. But the benefits are there for all to see. The mother gets more help, and the father gets to know his baby, and the child has the security of two loving parents. Who could ask for more? © Jill Curtis 2001