When a Baby Dies
The experience of
late miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death
Nancy Kohner & Alix Henley
When A Baby Dies
is based on the experiences of bereaved parents. It is hoped the book will
be some comfort to any parent who has lost a baby, and it would take the
most stony-hearted reader not to be deeply moved by the first-hand
accounts of parents talking about the deaths of their babies in this book.
Every family experience is different, and we learn from each of them what
helped, and what did not. Kohner and Henley explain that a bereaved parent
can feel very alone in their grief, and that it can be a comfort to know
that other parents really understand the shock of moving from a
pregnancy, which is about life, to dealing with the opposite, a death.
In the past the significance
of a baby’s death was often overlooked, and the grieving parents were
left to cope on their own. The authors of When A Baby Dies explain
the ways in which the professionals can now help, even the words they use
can play an important role in helping parents at this dreadful time. In
the authors’ words: ‘Sensitive supportive care cannot take away pain;
it cannot even soften grief. But it changes the way loss is felt, and it
can make grieving easier.’ We learn that parents do not ‘get over’
their baby’s death, but eventually accept the loss, knowing they will
carry some sadness with them for the rest of their lives.
Careless words from carers and
family, sometimes meant to be supportive, can hurt deeply. To be told, ‘It
was probably for the best’, ‘You will get over it’ and even to ‘Get
pregnant again quickly’ reveal how little people understand the grief of
the mothers and fathers who have lost a baby. Like others who are bereaved
under different circumstances, parents discover that people find it
awkward to talk about what has happened, and this silence, of course, adds
to the parents’ sense of aloneness and isolation. Great insensitivity
was shown to one mother who was not allowed to wash her baby herself after
his death, while others reported on the wonderful care from the staff in
special care baby units.
Hospital staff will often seem
to take over when a baby dies. Although this may be to spare the parents,
the parents themselves need to be involved in all arrangements wherever
possible. Some parents were put in touch with bereavement counsellors at
the hospital, and yet others contacted SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal
Death Society) for support.
In When A Baby Dies the
parents who tell us of their experience around the time of the death of
their child, in later chapters look back at that time, and tell us what
has happened to them since. They relate the effect another pregnancy, or
not, has upon them. Quite often the birth of another child reawakens the
grief surrounding the loss of their baby. No child can be replaced.
A new appendix (in this
revised edition) includes a fully updated comprehensive list of medical
explanations about the known causes of perinatal death. In the UK almost
one in every hundred babies are stillborn or dies shortly after birth.
This figure does not include babies who are born dead or miscarry before
24 weeks gestation, as these babies are not registered and do not enter
the statistics. They do, however, leave a terrible ache in the hearts of
their parents.
A second appendix consists of
a list of principles of good practice for professionals - the strongest
messages being care should be parent-led, parents should be treated with
respect and their loss should be recognized and acknowledged.
This is a compassionate book,
and gives great understanding of what it means to lose a baby and the
grief that follows. Kohner is an advisor to SANDS and Henley specializes
in matters to do with health and healthcare.
© Jill
Curtis 2002
Routledge
$15.95  £9.99
ISBN 0415252768
and is
available from
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