If you are considering ending a relationship it may well be one of the most difficult decisions of your life. We all know it is easier to fall in rather than out of love. Often the next step is the hardest of all, to tell your partner and to put into operation the hundred and one things which have to be done when couples separate.

A recent advertisement on tv showed a woman cheerfully throwing all of her old furniture and fittings out of the window, in order to shop happily at a well-know furniture store. This rightly brought about heavy criticism in the press for making a breakup look exciting and carefree.

A man or woman deciding that a relationship is going nowhere and that it is time to move on can suddenly feel exhilarated, and it can bring with it a sense of freedom. If the decision is mutual, then you can both move on to a new chapter in your lives. However, the breakup itself may be done with a heavy heart if one partner acknowledges that it will cause pain for the other. Perhaps this is the reason for 'Dear John' letters, and quick exits. The more mature face-to-face encounter to explain what has prompted your decision is much more difficult if you know that your partner is unsuspecting and will be devastated by the news. It is a fact, but a sad one, that often the signs things are going wrong in a relationship have not been picked up, and the news comes like a bolt from the blue. The truth is, of course, that we often blind ourselves to things that we do not want to see.

If in addition to being a couple you are parents too, then the difficulties facing you multiply. Any breakup of parents affects not only the couple, but their children, and the extended family too. If there is abuse or violence within a family the breakup of the family unit is more justified, and in these circumstances maybe this is the wise course to follow. But, as many a parent discovers, even then it is not always easy to bring about. Mothers and fathers may be torn between choosing a new love and a new life, and having to abandon their present partner and children. I know of men who have 'come clean' about an affair but say they do not want to leave their home and children. There are women who will turn a blind eye to a partner’s affair for this reason, while the situation would be intolerable for others and so the family splits up.

Is 'falling out of love' a good enough reason to breakup a family? What about the vows and promises which were made? What about 'for better, for worse?' What about the decision to have children together giving a message to each other and to the world that this is a family who together will experience and weather both good and bad times?

Angela wrote to me to say that she was desperately unhappy with her husband. She felt he was too absorbed in his work and hobbies and they had very little in common, except for the children. It was then that she acknowledged how near the brink she was in making an irrevocable decision. Instead of rushing to leave, she decided to work from the inside. Angela could see an uphill task ahead, but she remembered the love that was there in the beginning of their marriage and worked, with the help of a counsellor, to look at her marriage and her part in allowing the distance to grow between herself and her husband. Angela is realistic enough to accept that they may never recover the golden glow of those early married days, but adult enough to accept that they may recapture the security of the warm friendly loving couple who are both devoted to their children.

I believe Angela and her husband have a good chance of working things out. She realized that it is never enough just to stay together 'for the children' and feel that is the end of the story. That way resentment grows, and the children will feel this burden. It is unfair to say to an adult child 'I only stayed because of you' - and if this feels familiar you should ask yourself what you are doing to improve the relationship from the inside, as Angela did.

The fact you only have one chance at life is something which dawns on us as we get older. Some men and women use this as an excuse to break away and make a fresh start, and finding a 'new' partner becomes an excuse for this. But whether a new relationship or an old one, all relationships needs caring for and nurturing. If you haven’t learnt this, then stay where you are and think about it. If you go ahead with the breakup make sure you know why you are doing it, and be prepared for the ripples of pain which will spread around you. Even if you are glad to get out of the relationship and decide to go, give yourself time to feel the sadness of things not working out. Too many people are afraid to be alone, and so jump out of the frying pan into the fire. So watch out for DANGER AHEAD signs.

© Jill Curtis 2004

To read more about relationships, marriage and divorce get Jill’s book Find Your Way Through Divorce