This question was at the heart of the message I received from Jenny. At twenty-two-years old the thought of ‘taking on’ two children from her new partner's earlier marriage was a daunting one. She wondered if there were any tips or advice which I could give her which would make for a trouble-free transition.

The decision to make a commitment to one’s partner and to become ‘a couple’ is complex at the best of times, and always requires some thought and deliberation. It may be okay in the movies for the decision to be made in the moonlight, with ‘happy ever after’ music in the background. (And, if we are honest, which schoolgirl hasn't fantasized such a moment?) But the reality can be somewhat different.

It started me thinking again about the decisions which have to be made when there are children involved. When I was researching for my books on different family issues, I spoke with many women (and men!) who had become ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ to their partner's children. We can take it as read that some of these comments could apply to a man as well.

What emerged from my discussions was first of all we all have to dismiss the picture of the ‘wicked’ fairytale stepmother which is always there at the back of our minds. Because she is such a strong character in our folklore at times it blinded some women to what they were taking on, and, surprisingly, I heard from women who denied they are stepmothers with the words ‘Oh, no, his children just visit with us at holiday time’ and ‘I am too young to think of being a stepmom. I consider myself as their big sister’. We must never forget that the prefix ‘step’ comes from an Old English word ‘stoep’ meaning bereavement. Perhaps, for some, there is an unconscious wish to keep the reality of the circumstances at bay, which is that there must have been a loss of some kind, for the present situation to have come about.

I heard time and again that ‘instant parenthood is no joke’, and that preparation for the change in status takes a lot of time and patience. All too frequently I was told ‘I fell in love, and thought it would all work out. The children had other agendas.’ I was also reminded that when you become a stepparent you take on not just a new partner and any children he or she might have, but often the other parent as well. Many families learn, to their cost, that parents and stepparents are not interchangeable, and that it is unreal, and unfair, to expect a new stepparent to love the children unconditionally from the start. Getting to know someone, and growing to like them takes time, and if the children are still unsettled from turmoil at the breakup of their family, the ‘new’ prospective parent may get all the flack.

Jenny asked me if there were any rules? The consensus of opinion from those who spoke to me seems to be: ‘Urge caution, take it slowly, wait and see how the land lies’. Alice told me that she decided to bide her time and eventually felt on firm enough ground to correct her stepchildren, mildly, when she felt they were out of order. She went on to tell me that her new husband was very appreciative of the time and thought she gave to the situation. Alice felt they grew even closer and they could feel the children wanting to be included in their loving relationship in forming a family.

Beth now felt strong enough to tell me that she felt Julie Andrews had a lot to answer for! Beth had imagined she could charm her future stepchildren, even sing them funny songs as Julie Andrews did in ‘The Sound of Music’ and for her, the reality was very different. Five years on, things are calm in her household, but she looks back to those early days with horror.

I will tell Jenny, too, about Laura’s experience. She told me that she knew she loved Andrew and wanted to marry him. She also knew she was ready to take on the whole family when she realized that she was agreeing to marry the man she loved plus two other people she was growing to love. Laura knew this when she began to feel their affection growing for her. But, she reminds me, it didn’t happen overnight - she had to earn their love and respect. To end with her words ‘For a mother that's a given, but a stepmom has to work at it. Believe me.’

© Jill Curtis 2002