"Should you have your children at your wedding?"

As so many second weddings include a child or children from an earlier relationship for both or one of the couple getting married, there is a dilemma as to how the children can be made part of ‘the day’.

I have heard of as many happy wedding day memories where the children have been included, as unhappy ones where panic has set in at the thought of them being present. I also hear very many regretful voices exclaiming ‘If only we had let the children play a part,’ so take heed.

If the news has gone down well when you told your children about your wedding, and they want to be involved, how can they be best included? Bridesmaid, page boy, best man (or woman), usher and flower girl immediately come to mind, and if everyone is willing there is a lot to be said for letting them play one of these roles. Children are also often happy to perform the honour of ‘giving the bride away’. Or, as one mother corrected me, to ‘accompany’ their mother on her wedding day. And this role fits a daughter just as well as a son! Perhaps best of all are those happy families who all go to the altar together.

Perhaps you have opted for a civil wedding, but it is still a good excuse to have that extra special outfit bought for the children. Only be sure it is one they will enjoy wearing! You will want them to remember the wedding with pleasure as a very special day.

Cindy who had two daughters of her own, and was marrying Bill with three daughters, found a way of turning the whole wedding into a hive of activity. Luckily, they all the girls loved being creative and making things. So Cindy asked the girls’ advice, and then they set to to make wedding favours, their headdresses, and table decorations. The more the girls became involved in the planning, the more excited they became. And - most important of all -began to bond with each other as stepsisters.

Adam and Olivia, too, involved their children in all the details of planning the wedding, and had arranged that on the day itself their minister should add an extra vow. One where the children were asked if they promised to love and honour their mother’s new partner. A loud and firm ‘We do!’ followed. Adam was the asked if he would love and support the children from now on. He was only too happy to agree.

Why not ask whoever is marrying you if the children can stand by your side? This will go a long way towards making them feel included on your wedding day. You may well find that whoever is marrying you is quite used to this request, and will have some other ideas too. Have you heard of a Family Medallion which can be given to the children? Or all of you joining together in lighting a Unity Candle? These are new customs about which the information you need can be found on the Internet. All the evidence shows that if children are involved in the wedding of a parent they are more likely to accept the marriage. And as stepfamilies need all the help they can get to set off into the future, this is a good way to start.

Remember if you have small children at a wedding they can be scene stealers! A small child leaning forward to blow out a Unity Candle can make quite a statement. And beware of a small boy carrying the rings on a pillow if they are not fixed on firmly!

Talk to the children, and ask what parts they would like to play. Some prefer jobs behind the scenes, others will be happy to sing or perform at a wedding. Children love to be consulted about details, so encourage them to suggest colours, flowers and perhaps the music, although their taste might mot be the same as yours! Ten-year-old Robin said he wanted to provide bubbles. And so he did. It was arranged for him to work a bubble machine when his mother and her new husband came out of the church.

Tommy: ‘We agreed on a small very quiet wedding, but once the kids got involved I found I was ordering bands, balloons and all kinds of things we hadn’t bargained on. I must say, though, we had the most wonderful day.’

There are all kinds of other responsibilities for children: handing out order of service sheets, helping to direct people to their places and giving out handfuls of confetti. Although remember to ask in good time if confetti is allowed. Alternatives which may be acceptable are wild flower seeds, rose petals, or rice.

If you are having a reception at home the children can be even more inventive and, for example, will love to fill clear glass vases with coloured water, with a floating candle on top, to match your colour scheme. Or help to wind tulle and ivy around the tables and door frames. Any ‘hands on’ idea you can have will make them feel more part of it all. Dogs can wear fancy collars to match the colours of the bridesmaids’ dresses. And any reception is improved by a happy band of small but willing waiters passing round the snacks. Indeed, as Caitlin found, her children decided on the menu and some guests were taken aback to be offered gingerbread men, jelly, and little fancy cakes, made lovingly by small hands the day before.

So, lucky are the parents where their children want to be involved in their wedding. After all, a second wedding often is a family wedding, and, if there has been pain or grief in the past, nothing can be nicer than to see a new family bonding together to make this a joyous and happy occasion.

© Jill Curtis 2002

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