The season of goodwill, for most of us, is on its way. The run up to Christmas might well be charged with worrying about choosing the ‘right’ gift for the ‘right’ person, trying to guess how much people will eat and drink, and counting the number of beds which will be filled. But for many families who have been split by separation and divorce it can be overshadowed by anxiety about where the celebrations will take place, and where the children will spend the festivals. Of all the possible areas of conflict after the breakup of a family the question of ‘Where will the children be for Christmas?’ is probably very high on many parents’ list.

Why does Christmas have such a special feel about it? Why do so many of us want to be ‘home for Christmas?’ Why do we all, whatever our age, still hold on to the feeling that there is a special magic around at this time of the year? Quite possibly we all have deep inside us memories of the excitement which went with our own childhood Christmases - the gradual build up at school, the familiar carols, the bright lights in the shops, and the breathtaking moment when at last we were allowed to open our stocking. Perhaps it is this excitement that we would like to hand on to our children.

We probably gave up on Father Christmas a long time ago, but even families who do not rub along happily for most of the year will, sometimes with fingers crossed, come together over the holidays. Adult ‘children’ who have long left home and value their  independence will usually try to make a visit home, even though the reason on the surface is ‘Mum and Dad expect it’. And even this can become complicated by deciding whether to visit ‘his’ parents or ‘hers’. Multiply that by a proliferation of parents and stepparents and the difficulties and tensions increase. So, too, do the number of traditional Christmas meals which have to be eaten!

For families with a constellation of relationships juggling everyone’s schedule can be fraught with difficulties. If there are ‘his’, ‘hers’ and ‘our’ children to consider it is hard to accept that it may be impossible to please everyone. A family settling down to becoming a ‘new’ family may feel torn apart again when one of the children leaves to be with the ‘other’ parent over the holiday. A family divorce may mean heartache for grandparents who are suddenly not allowed to share in the fun of a family holiday with their grandchildren.

Of course decisions have to be made, but the wisest of fathers and mothers accept that - whether their child is three or twenty-three (or even fifty-three) there are still more than 360 other days in the year: so they may well find they have the undying gratitude of a child who was not uprooted every Christmas holiday to spend time with each parent just to keep the record straight. A double Christmas? That may work for some families, but as father of three, Joshua, told me: ‘Arguing over where the children opened their presents was dreadful for us all. Eventually, I left them with their Mum on the understanding that I had them for the New Year. So goodbye Father Christmas, but I do know they will have a Mother Christmas, and the kids deserve that.’

Of course, plans do have to be made for very small children. But what about when they get a little older? Can we take a peek at their lists for Santa and perhaps learn where they would like to be on the day? The greatest gift we can give a child - of any age - at this time of the year is to listen carefully and let them be where they are going to be happiest on the 25^th December.

© Jill Curtis 2005