‘Coming out’ when you have children

Let me tell you the story of Laura. She has agreed that I can do this in the hope it will help others who find themselves facing the same dilemma.

Laura was married at eighteen to a kind and gentle man, and over the next five years they had three children. Laura found it difficult to understand why she was growing increasingly restless and unhappy. When she stood back and looked at her life she believed she had everything she thought she had ever wanted. So why, then, did she feel that her life was a lie - as if she was living in a way that everyone else wanted and expected of her? In Laura’s own words: ‘I decided that I had begun by being the perfect daughter, good wife and mother, but I had no idea who I really was and what I wanted.’

After meeting Alice, Laura began to see that there must be changes in her life. This was a time of deep uncertainty and anguish for Laura as she began to realize that if she followed her own feelings and was honest with herself, it would cause pain and confusion to other people who loved her. This is perhaps the most difficult situation facing any lesbian woman or gay man: the choice they must make if they are already in a heterosexual relationship and have a child. For Laura, as for many others in this position ‘coming out’ would have grave consequences for her partner and her children as well as her own parents.

As it happened, Laura’s husband remained the loving gentle man she married, and he could be with her in her crisis. They could cry together about the heartache of it all, and he did not make it difficult for her to tell the children that she was leaving. In this sense she was fortunate - so many other men and women have told me about the chaos and pain that has surrounded them when they have made such a major life change. Many parents have lost their children because of the decision, but Laura’s husband agreed to a shared parenting arrangement.

As with any new stepparent Alice could see that she needed to tread very carefully in her relationships with the children. And many of the difficulties Laura and Alice encountered were no different from those faced by any parent or stepparent when there has been a major family upheaval. As with the introduction of any new member into a family this calls for sensitivity and discretion. Opinions differ as to the wisdom of a partner becoming a co-parent, and how much to reveal to the children. Much, of course, depends upon their age. Families headed by a same-sex couple are generally little understood, so not all gay couples will make their lifestyle known. Laura and Alice decided not to reveal their relationship widely, and have decided not to tell the children until the time seems right when they are a little older. Again, Laura is fortunate to have an ex-husband and parents who support her decision.

On the other hand I heard from Ben who told me: ‘I have told my eldest child about our family. I have also explained to him the difference between privacy and secrecy. I have not told my youngest. He would not understand....yet.’ Ben’s children are aged thirteen and seven.

Maureen and Jo, who both have daughters from a previous long-term relationship, find that it is easier to let people assume they all live together for mutual support and care. When they first decided to live together, they did tell colleagues and friends and to their horror found they, and their children, hit a wall of prejudice and even hate. Three months later they moved to a new city and feel that it is better protection for the children to keep silent about their private life.

On the whole, the consensus of opinion seems to be that the problems facing a same-sex family have a strong parallel with any second family, but that - even in the year 2000 - there may well be additional difficulties and sensitive areas to deal with. But as with any successful stepparenting, the whole family should take time and care to blend into the new family. The attitude and good will of other adults around will have an influence on this. It is wise to be prepared for a transition period, and to take time to explain to the children the significance of a new partner.

Sadly, I heard of men and women who have lost their children and family because they decided to be true to their own sexuality, but there are as many who have weathered the storm and live happily in a same sex couple with a child from an earlier relationship. Sally, like countless other lesbian mothers, says that her child does not have a problem with the relationship. ‘The problem is not that she is a child of a lesbian, but dealing with society’s attitude.’ I think Sally is right.

© Jill Curtis 2001