Coping with the absent father? You may well have your own problems about coping with an absent partner, but it can be almost heart-stopping when your child asks you questions like ‘Mommy, do I have a daddy?’ or ‘Does Daddy love me?’ ‘Why doesn’t he call or visit?’ However well prepared you hope you are, questions like these can take your breath away. And what are the best answers, anyway? Is it right to reassure a child by saying ‘Of course, daddy loves you’ when you know there is no chance of them ever meeting? You may feel that you have said a comforting thing at that moment, but time goes by, and sooner or later the child will ask more searching questions. When writing my books on family matters I talked with many women who had, or were, facing this dilemma. One woman, Emma, was generous enough to tell me of the mistake she made. ‘I used to send my daughter a birthday card each year signed ‘From Dad with love’. I had no idea of the problems I was creating for myself and for Alice. What I hadn’t thought through was that it led Alice to believe that there was a dad ‘out there’ thinking of her and that one day he would come home to us. The time came when I had to tell her the truth, and it was dreadful. It took a long, long time for her to trust me again.’ One way is to try to be prepared for the questions which will come sooner or later. It is not the time to begin to wonder what to say when a small child burst in on you crying ‘Jamie says I haven’t got a father. Tell him I have’. Children love to be told a story, and perhaps you need to get clear in your mind what you do and do not want them to know. They will want to know ‘their’ story. You might decide to say that of course every child has a mom and dad, but not all mom’s and dad’s can live together. Depending on your child’s age that may be enough for the moment. For a child whose father leaves the home and then makes no contact there will be a more immediate searching for answers. It can be hard for a mother left on her own to be accused of ‘sending daddy away’ or ‘stopping him from visiting’ when it is far from the truth. The question ‘Do you still love daddy?’is perhaps painful to hear. If the answer is ‘yes’ then say so. If the answer is ‘no’ then it may be kinder to talk along the lines of not liking what daddy has done. After all, whatever has gone on between you and their father, he is still their dad and they may have very divided loyalties still. Perhaps those mothers who have to explain about the death of the other parent are able to know that however sad the situation is, there is some comfort in being able to say that there are things that no-one can prevent. Daddy didn’t choose to leave. There are other reasons for an absent father, and one can be imprisonment. Again, it will depend on the age of the child and your feelings about how much, or how little, you discuss. Possibly that is a situation where some mothers can feel comfortable about saying ‘Daddy has to work away for a while. He would like to be here, but he can’t be. He loves us all very much.’ Indeed, some fathers DO have to work away from home for long periods, and it is important that children are kept abreast of the situation, and to know that you miss daddy very much indeed too. If your child does not ask questions about an absent father, do not be misled into thinking that they do not notice or care. The child may be wary about putting questions to you - afraid to cause you pain - or may feel they have no right to ask. The fact is that we all need to know about our roots and where we have come from. Take account of the child’s age, perhaps introduce the subject in a roundabout way. If you have decided in advance what you want to say, you and your child will be able to find a way through the maze in a manner which is helpful for them and not too painful for you. © Jill Curtis 2001