Divorce and the extended family

You know, and I know, of couples who have divorced. However, it is not until the chill wind of separation touches your own family that its full force is felt.

When I heard the unexpected words from my daughter, ‘He wants a divorce’, my first thoughts were for her children and how they would react to the absence of their father. It was only later that I realized that all of us were going to be deeply affected by something which at first seemed a very private matter between my daughter and my then son-in-law.

How do you tell children that something is about to happen which will have a life-long impact on their life? Will they be harmed by their family splitting up? Should they see their father, even if they don’t want to go to him? These, and many many other questions formed in my mind. As a close family, we struggled to find some of the answers, whilst coping with our own grief at the sadness of it all, because a divorce is a very unhappy event, and broken hearts do not mend easily. If it is you who want and initiate a divorce, there may be some initial relief, but even so there are many lost hopes and dreams.

I lost a son-in-law overnight, and my daughter and her children lost the warm security we all believed they had. There were elderly great-grandparents to be told, young cousins who became anxious that their daddy might go too, and friends who were distressed by the news

and fearful that such a thing could happen to them. There was a shocked daughter who needed support in order for her to be able to parent and comfort her bewildered children. I saw at first hand that at the time when you are feeling at your lowest, the children need to believe you are

strong and can protect them.

It was difficult to find any guidelines. Magazines so willing to tell the world how to plan a trouble free wedding in ‘ten easy stages’, are not so willing to give directions on how to untangle a family in a pain free way. Our family realized that others had been down this road before, and wondered how they had answered the questions which children ask. Of course, we knew that every family is different and every situation is unique, but there are lessons to be learned from others. My daughter, Virginia, and I decided to carry out some research in to the ways families found to help their children through the breakup of their family, and, eventually, together we wrote Where’s Daddy?

It is not a text book nor a step-by-step guide to family breakup, but it does give an idea of the alternative ways families find to help each other. It also provides some forewarning about questions that will be asked by the children. And, sooner or later they will be asked, one way or another. Some people were generous enough to tell us of mistakes they felt they made, in the hope that others could avoid some of the pitfalls. We also heard from the children. Some of the ‘children’ are now adults, and they were able to tell us what it felt like to be a child with parents at war. One of the surprising things to emerge was that we were told repeatedly 'No one said anything to us’. Can this be true? Or were they told things they didn’t want to hear or believe?

However, when speaking to mothers and fathers going through a divorce, they were often vague about what the children did or didn’t know. Some said ‘I think my partner has told them’ but most spoke along the lines of ‘Oh, they are okay. They haven’t picked up what is going on...I think’. Often this was a mistaken way of protecting the children. So, too, is to think that children are resilient and won’t be troubled by the changes in their life. All too often the adults hoped the children would not be aware, and therefore not affected by the changes in the family. It was at times too painful for the adults to be up front with the children.

Children do need to know what is going on, and need to be told in an age-appropriate way. They also need to be updated as the situation changes. My young granddaughter found it impossible at the beginning to ask questions outright, but we soon learned that her distress was signalled by tummy aches. That was the time for a gentle talk about what was worrying her, and for an updated explanation.

I felt it was important for my grandchildren to know that they could still talk about their father to me. They would also visit their paternal grandparents, and I did not want them to think that their ‘other’ life should be a closed book when with us. I made a point of asking about them,

and about the woman their father was living with. I also discovered they would ask me questions they were not sure they could ask their mother. They could see she was in pain, and I believe held back for fear of hurting her. Children of any age need to be reassured that they have not in anyway caused the breakup of their family. Men and women who spoke with us urged this caution to be passed on, ‘make sure the children of any age know they are not to blame.’

So seven years on where are we all now? My daughter has slowly untangled herself from a marriage which was a hard and painful thing to do. She believed from the start that the children needed to see their father, and has always encouraged contact. This was difficult at first when the children clung to her fearing that she might disappear too - but she urged them to go and now they have a strong belief that they do have a father as well as a mother, even if they do not live together. They are old enough to accept that their parents divorced each other, not them, and this gives them reassurance.

As a grandmother I have been more involved with them than I would have been if the marriage had lasted, and that is a plus for me. But the price for that has been high. Virginia and I have had the opportunity to research and write a book together, and we enjoyed doing that. We have been delighted to get feedback from people who say they have been helped by the book. It is a good feeling to know that something positive has come out of a heartbreaking situation.

I suppose the scars we all experienced do begin to heal, but there are times when I do wonder how it all went so wrong and how our family became just one more divorce statistic.

It is only when looking behind the numbers of family breakdowns we see that the fall-out spreads far and wide, and just as the family gathers with joy to celebrate a marriage we are all, sadly, involved when a couple divorce. The statistics do not show the very large number of people who are hurt by the words ‘We’re getting a divorce’.

© Jill Curtis 2001