The Families Need Fathers

Guide to Shared Parenting

For the Sake of the Children

Sue Secker

This book will be a godsend to any parent struggling to remain part of his or her children’s lives after the breakup of a family. Families Need Fathers is a registered charity dedicated to ‘keeping children and parents in contact’ and this timely guide from FNF is based on the experiences of their members and their families.

For the Sake of the Children is written for fathers, and for mothers, grandmothers and other relations, who find themselves for no good reason separated from the children.

There is a mass of information here, in a very easy-to-read format, and it will guide any interested father or mother through the minefield facing parents, both immediately and for many years after a divorce The book is divided into four parts: practical advice, how to cope with all the changes, the law, and a reference section of helpful resources and further reading. If you want to know about your rights as an unmarried father, or what mediation might entail, it is all here.

There are parents who, after a breakup, can come together in a cooperative way to make arrangements for the care of their children. Sadly, though, there are many more children who witness, and go on witnessing, the people they love most in the world at war with each other. Frequently this leads to one parent being cut out of the children’s lives.

There is a warning about being on your guard right from the start about childcare arrangements, and in my experience it is during those early days, when emotions are flying sky high, that mistakes are most likely to be made. These early lapses can seriously affect the way your relationship with the children works out. Put yourself in your child’s shoes for a moment: how would you feel if you had to chose between your mum and dad? What if you were told, even if it were not true, that a parent could no longer be bothered to see you?

I like the way that there is a section for dads who have been responsible for the end of the relationship. Fair warning is given that if it is you who found another partner, the one left behind will feel angry and resentful. This is where the children may also feel betrayed or abandoned, and this may well be reinforced by the adults around them. Whatever you do, keep up contact with the children at this time. Although, again in my experience, this is a period when a parent, who is feeling guilty or remorseful, may pull back, and hope to resume contact once the dust settles. A big mistake all around.

© Jill Curtis 2002

published by FNF Publications paperback price £7.95

For details and addresses visit the Fathers Need Fathers website: www.fnf.org.uk