We are all familiar with the characters in fairy stories. Who hasn’t shed a tear or two at the way Cinderella and Snow White are treated by their stepmothers? A stepmother today still has to emerge from the spectre of the ‘wicked’ stepmother which haunts us from our nursery days.

Psychologists tell us that these fairy stories are helpful for children because they can separate in their minds a ‘good’ mother and a ‘bad’ one. It can be too painful for a small child to admit that in real life they are one and the same person: Mummy, who sometimes is nice and loving, but at other times disagreeable and angry.

Today, with so many divorces and second marriages, the reality is that many children do have two women in their lives, who are often at war with each other, having been brought together by loving the same man.

Stepfathers do not seem to have had such a bad press, yet men can find themselves equally at a loss with ‘instant fatherhood’. But as a stepparent - or indeed a parent - of a child it is important to remember that it takes time to rebuild a family and to think this can happen almost over night is courting trouble. No one can step into another parent’s shoes, and a wise new parent takes time before becoming involved with issues over discipline and punishment. Even if everyone involved is aware of the possible pitfalls and treads carefully and sensitively, there will be times when events will not run smoothly. Being a parent or brother or sister is not always easy, even in established families, and when a family is at war it is as well for a stepparent to take heed.

It seems that the successful formation of a stepfamily depends on a number of factors. First, how the end of the earlier relationship was handled. Secondly, how and when the prospective parent was introduced to the children, and lastly whether there can be a fairly relaxed attitude about the time it takes for a new family to settle down. There will have to be a transition period lasting several years, and it is as well not to expect too much too soon. Different needs have to be balanced and if that includes children or partners from an earlier relationship the situation becomes more complex.

It takes time to build up family memories made up of events and shared experiences, but with a lot of hard work, and a little luck, stepfamilies can, and do, move on to mobilize the family strength.

© Jill Curtis 2004

To read more about stepparenting look in Jill’s book Find Your Way Through Divorce