Having an affair? then read on ...

I wonder what the word "affair" suggests to you? Perhaps it conjures up a mental picture of romance and intrigue. On the other hand it may remind you of a broken heart and grief-stricken memories.

Over the years I have heard many different reasons (or are they excuses?) from men and women about why they embarked on an illicit relationship. It may surprise you so learn that the most common justification was "I didn’t mean it to happen" or "It just happened". Not once did I hear from anybody that they were seeking such a liaison, and yet on an unconscious level, at least, searching for someone or something must have played a part.

Even in the year 2000 there are women who still let themselves believe that "his wife doesn’t understand him" when the likelihood is that she understands him only too well. There are still women who will swear that their lovers are on the verge of leaving their wives - but "must wait until the kids are older" "the next business deal is clinched" or even "that the time just isn’t right at the moment". Why, why, why do competent, intelligent, independent single women still slip into the often dead-end relationship which prevents them finding that special someone who will be there over the holidays and weekends too? It is heartbreaking to hear from so many thirty-something women that they have been shocked to find that although they may have had an exciting time with an illicit relationship for some years, when the chips are down they envy their sisters who have found steady partners, available for committed relationships.

There may be some excitement at having a secret workplace liaison and feeling that you are pulling the wool over everybody’s eyes. I doubt that you are. There is an old saying that love and a cough cannot be hid, and that certainly goes for a clandestine affair. It may be the betrayed wife or husband is the last to know, but that is because no one wants to believe that their partner is being unfaithful.

So what is gained? Certainly, I hear about the buzz and thrill at the beginning of an affair. The very fact that it is secret seems to add a frisson to the encounters for some men and women, but I am also told that this feeling of elation can become quite addictive. This means that when the bubble is burst, and real life comes crashing in, there is a scramble for the next chase and surrender. And so on.

For some women the adventure of an affair has a strong appeal, and certainly mutual sexual attraction plays a large part in most relationships. The trap may well be that although there is an unspoken agreement at the beginning that this is a "fling" and neither expect anything more, the playing field is often not level, and the tears can flow when one or the other wants more from the relationship and it is not forthcoming.

Yet there are women who want a part-time relationship. Linda told me that when she began an affair three years ago with a committed married man, she knew that a few hours during occasional weeks would be all he could give her. She has never wanted, or asked, for more. "It suits us both," she told me, for Linda is not affected by lonely Christmas holidays and long bleak winter Sundays which other women told me about: "I write, and need to be alone most of the time". So I wonder if her lover knows just how little she really cares for him?

The saddest stories I heard were from women who cried, "I didn’t mean to fall in love" and that seems to be the biggest trap of all. Angela who knows I am writing this article for Everywoman asked me to pass on her words of wisdom. "This is my experience. I had a wild lovely time for six months. I really fell in love with a lovely man who last month said we had to stop because he couldn’t bear to hurt his family. I haven’t stopped crying since. It really wasn’t worth it."

So if you are having an affair, stop a moment and ask why you are having it and what the future will be for you. If you are thinking of starting an affair, watch out, many women have hoped they could get involved and then pull out without any harm. There are a lot of women around who have scars to show it is really not as simple as that. Take care.

© Jill Curtis 2001

To read more about relationships get Jill’s new book Find Your Way Through Divorce