There is an old saying that every wedding upsets somebody: and nowhere is this more likely than when planning a wedding which is the second one for one of the partners, or perhaps both.

We know that almost half of all weddings are second marriages for at least either the bride or the groom. Whereas in the past there were always difficult areas of wedding etiquette to negotiate there is now much wider likelihood of possible conflict, and because of this, much more careful thought has to be put into the organization and planning of the wedding. A second wedding is altogether more complex and it is often the balance of the key players, and their specific roles, which can cause the most stress.

Members of the family may still be grieving over the loss of the previous son or daughter-in-law, so the wedding which should be a joyous occasion may be a time when painful memories of the first family and the breakup which followed rise to the surface again. This is especially so for the children. It can end the secret hope that many children have that, against all odds, their parents may get back together again.

The role that the children from an earlier relationship should play becomes a dilemma for some couples and a crisis for others. When researching for my books on the family, I spoke to men and women who had faced this issue when planning their own celebration. Opinions ranged widely from ‘It’s nothing to do with them’ to ‘But it’s a family wedding, and this is the beginning of our new family.’

Some were able to work out a compromise. Tony told me that for his second wedding they planned a quiet civil ceremony in the morning, but in the afternoon of the following day, a blessing in their garden. This gave an opportunity to give his new bride the full attention she deserved and wanted, but by involving his children in the planning of the afternoon event, it helped to make everyone feel it was a special day.

The spectre of the first spouse can linger over second wedding days, as many brides well know. A comment from Janice: ‘I kept my own name. I didn’t want to be known as the second Mrs X.’ and from Stacy; ‘I didn’t want to repeat the same vows Jack and his first wife had made. ‘Til death do us part’ is nonsense, especially now, so we devised our own ceremony vows, and I didn’t change my name.’ From Barbara: ‘I knew she wore a white dress, so no way would I on our wedding day. Her photo was still on view at my in-laws-to-be. I was upset when I first noticed this, but that’s how it is, and I soon planned something quite different for our day.’

What about the honeymoon? For many couples the concept of a honeymoon has changed. In the age of remarriages, a honeymoon can be celebrated in a variety of ways, and especially when there are children from previous relationships to be taken into account. Jenny: ‘When we married Joe already had a daughter and to be honest I didn’t want her with us on our honeymoon. But I kept quiet and we made the best of it. I realized that by loving and committing myself to Joe I have to do the same for Lucy.’

So when the grandparents, the parents, and the children have all been considered, spare a thought for the new groom or bride for whom this may be a first wedding. As we heard from Tony, there was a time when the focus was solely on his new bride, and the emphasis did not change until the next day with a family blessing which encompassed them all.

A wedding is a landmark in any family and those adults and children who have been burned by the fallout of an earlier divorce or bereavement will be particularly sensitive to the meaning of the occasion.

With some planning, and a lot of discussion, and a little luck it can still become a day very happy memories are made of.

© Jill Curtis 2002

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