The holiday season - a time to be together?

Families gathering together for the holiday season. Could there by anything nicer? Well, yes and no. What about the families who are apart for one reason or another? How will they come together? For families split by divorce or separation one of the most fraught areas in family life, especially where there are young children, often centres around contact over the festivals.

This does not affect only the children - although they can have their problems too: Opening two sets of presents and going through two almost identical days with enthusiasm can be a strain for even the most cooperative child. It can often be a testing time for the parents as well. I heard from John about the way his family dealt with ‘turkey and all the trimmings’. ‘Year after year after year I’d have one meal with my mother and stepfather, one with my dad the next day, and another the following week with my grandparents. As an adult I never ever eat turkey.’

This brings to mind the complexity of the situation for stepfamilies and blended families.

Louise: ‘My ex was never allowed to have his children on ‘the day’. So what were we to do? Celebrate twice? - make my kids wait for their presents? Whatever we did was wrong for somebody, however hard we tried to be a new family.’

It seems that everybody has a claim - and that includes grandparents and step-grandparents. One of the less recognized areas of pain from the fall out from divorce is that some grandparents may lose all contact with their beloved grandchildren - and for them it is heartache when the time for celebration comes around. Mandy: ‘One year a lovely family Christmas - then my son’s divorce - and this year my grandson is in Australia with his mother, and I don’t even have an address.’

For another grandmother, a different set of problems: Mae:‘I have six grandchildren, and what a mixture they are. My son has one boy from his marriage and one stepdaughter. My daughter, Becky, decided she wanted a child - no partner, I’m afraid, and had a little girl, Maddie. My other daughter had one child from her first marriage, and two from her present relationship. I try to make a family dinner but to get them all together can be a nightmare. Becky was angry this year because her daughter Maddie had to have her gifts the Sunday before Christmas to keep in line with the other children who were off to their other parents for Christmas Day. But if you want to be a family today, you have to be open-minded and relaxed about these things.’

Some men and women are still able to come together as parents to smooth the path for their children. This is still easier to say than to put into practice - especially if there are other people to consider, as we heard from Louise. Often a firm structure and thinking ahead can ease the situation. We heard from Lily: ‘We have it all planned. The parent who had the kids for most of the summer holiday has fewer days over the next holiday. It works for us.’ Yet, from Jim: ‘For me it’s a must for us all to be together over the holidays. I start in September trying to make arrangements. The problem is as the kids get older, they have plans too.’

So there it is, what suits one family will not feel right for another. The important thing to keep in mind is that all the members who make up ‘a family’ will have a point of view about the holiday. Talk about it, don’t assume anything, and sometimes by taking a back seat and not insisting on ‘turkey and all the trimmings on the day’ or even the following day, will bring about lasting gratitude from those who feel so caught in the middle of family strife. Remember there are 364 other days in the year.

© Jill Curtis 2002