How many friends do you have?

Perhaps your answer is ‘dozens’, or maybe a grim ‘none’, but pause and think about it for a moment. There can’t be a girl who at school didn’t spend time writing out a list of ‘best friends’ and then rearranging them in order of ‘best’ and ‘worst’.

I wonder when we first become aware that there are people outside the family who are important to us? At first, as small children, we play with the people our parents select for us. We can have no inkling at that time that maybe the girl who lives next door may become a lifelong friend. Many a close bond has been established between children who start at nursery or school on the same day. Perhaps when we see our new ‘friend’ each morning we find we are less scared or homesick. The warm and friendly hand we hold reassures us that we are not alone in this new big world.

I am sure we can all remember the sense of treachery and shock when a schoolmate we thought was a friend teased or poked fun at us, or worse, crossed us off their ‘best friend’ list. That was the first lesson in learning how to tell if someone is a true friend or not, if a person is to be trusted. The first time we get that wrong is felt as a sickening betrayal, and digesting this experience is one of the painful steps in growing up. Finding out who our friends are is one of the snags of the playground; many adults have heart-wrenching memories of being unable to find a special someone to be with during the break period when there seem hours to fill trying to look busy or active. Remember the feeling in the pit of your stomach when the call came ‘find a partner’, or ‘quickly, now, into two’s’ and you didn’t have a partner?

Some children seem able to make friends more easily from the start than others, and can be seen in the centre of a group from an early age. Quite likely, it is those popular girls who having experienced the ups and downs of close relationships can make the transition to ‘boyfriend’ most easily. Such a one seems to be able to jump the hurdle with comfort, much to the envy of her quieter more reserved sisters.

When we are young, we are often careless with friends, and don’t look after our relationships. And we all resent the women who drop their girl friends when a man comes on the scene.

We are said to be lucky if we can count truly good friends on the fingers of one hand. So what is a truly good friend, and are we a good trusted friend back? How many people could you call in the middle of the night if you were in trouble? How many people would call you in the small hours if they were in distress? Friendship must be a two-way street.

There is an old wives’ saying: ‘Show me your friends and I will tell you what kind of person you are’. I take this to mean that our friends in some way reflect the kind of person we are, so it is a good tip to take a look at the people we call our friends and to see if that is the kind of image of ourselves we want the world to see.

Although there is nothing so comfortable as a chat with an old friend and nothing so relaxing as an evening of ‘Do you remember?’ it is important to make way for new friends as well. I suspect we are all guilty of meeting a new person, finding them pleasant and interesting, and agreeing to meet up again. Then what happens? We all have busy lives, and time goes by, and we forget to follow up that initial contact with a telephone call. With families breaking up, and on the move, we are in danger of losing old friends along the way. A look through any old address book can bring a wistful ‘I wonder what happened to her?’ We need to make time for friends, and to give care to making relationships. It is only too easy for a bond which was once strong to wither and die from lack of attention.

So let’s ask the question again. How many friends do you have? Quite likely you have many acquaintances - neighbours and colleagues you know to say ‘hello’ to. But friends? What are the ingredients of friendship? Loyalty, for sure. Add a mixture of ability to laugh together, cry together, and a desire to watch out for each other. If these elements are all in place, you are truly lucky that is a person you can call your friend.

© Jill Curtis 2004