Today I received an e-mail from a girl, I will call her ‘Alison’, who told me she was twelve years old and wanted to ask me a question. She went on to say: ‘Daddy is going to marry someone else and he is taking me to meet her on Saturday. Please tell me what to do?’

A simple, direct question, but one which set me thinking. It made me wonder how many children there are who are thrust into the complicated arena of stepparents without any idea how to go about it. Or, indeed, what is expected of them.

Has this happened to you? Look in any magazine, and on the Internet, and you will find plenty of advice for parents and stepmothers and stepfathers. There are many organizations, forums for discussion, and conferences planned around the idea of stepparenting. There are plenty of do’s and dont’s on offer for parents about how to ‘deal’ with stepchildren. And yet, you (if you are a child) may find you have been faced - sometimes without warning - with a parent’s new boy or girl friend. They may even have been introduced, perhaps with a laugh, as "Your new ‘ mum’ or ‘dad’". Believe me, this happens more often than you might think.

Perhaps the grown-up’s should put themselves in your shoes for a moment. What do we all do when we don’t know what is expected of us? What we do, especially when we are uncertain, is to look at the floor, fiddle with our hair, or answer in a monosyllabic way. All ways guaranteed to bring down the wrath of the adults. Perhaps you recognize this?

The difficulty for any child of divorce (and by ‘child’ I do mean ‘ adult’ children too) is feeling torn between the two people they love most. If on one hand you see mum or dad radiantly happy with a new partner, and on the other a depressed distraught parent, then it is hardly surprising that you view the outsider as the cause of all the family problems. That may not, in fact, be so. But what are you to do? By pleasing one parent, you are likely to feel you are twisting the knife in the other.

A real crisis can occur when there is to be a wedding, just as in the e-mail I received: it had become crunch time for ‘Alison’. How can it be that a twelve-year-old is so desperate to ‘do the right thing’ and that I am the only person she can ask? From speaking with many parents over the years, I would guess that ‘Dad’ is too busy setting up the meeting with his new partner to think just what it means for his daughter. And ‘Mum’ is the last person to give advice on stepparenting ‘etiquette’, so ‘Alison’ is left wondering just what to do, and say, on Saturday.

If you are a parent reading this article, and planning to introduce your children, try to remember that you have had time to know and to grow to love your new partner. Your child will have a very different perspective, and will need time to form a view of his or her own. So, too, will your new partner, who may be scared to death about meeting your child. If you are planning a wedding be extra sensitive to your children’s feelings, even in the midst of planning a celebration. They may not feel like celebrating.

So are their any guidelines on ‘How to be a stepchild’? If you are old enough to be reading this article you should be aware that you mustn’t be rushed into a step-relationship. This may, or may not, happen. Try to get to know your mum or dad’s new friend as you would any new person in your life. Then you can decide whether you like them as a person, or not. Accept that by recognizing this new ‘someone’, you are not necessarily giving the union your blessing. It may be a bitter pill to swallow, but one reason for apprehension and antagonism is often because hopes that your parents will get together again, will be finally dashed. Whether you can allow your parents new partners to become loving members of your family - well, only time will tell.

So, to all the ‘Alisons’, remember nothing you can do can repair the fact that your parents have divorced. If one of them is to re-marry wait and make up your own mind in your own time. So, you don’t have to ‘do’ anything on Saturday. Just be yourself, no more, no less. No one can ask more of you.

And, here is the good news, there is a space for you on this site, so don’t feel alone. There is always someone there to listen and to help you over the difficulties of ‘being a stepchild.’

© Jill Curtis 2005