According to the song there are ‘fifty ways to leave your lover’ but it is surprisingly difficult actually to do so. Do you leave a note? Surely your ex deserves more than a ‘Dear John’ letter, fax or voicemail message! How do you look someone in the eyes - a someone who you have loved - and say ‘I’m off’? And yet there are not many couples who can talk things over and then just shake hands and wish each other well.

If there have been considerable difficulties in the relationship for a while then the idea of breaking up may just fly out in anger from one of you. It may have been in the back of your mind that this is where you are heading, but it still comes as a shock when you hear yourself, or your partner, actually saying the words.

You may have reached the brink of telling your partner that you are leaving many times before you actually come out with the words.. The pressure can be enormous as you try to find a way to break the news, especially if you have a new lover waiting in the wings who cannot understand what all the delay is about.

You will probably have given a lot of thought to whether you are going to leave, and this alone will have helped, to some degree, to prepare you for the actual parting of the ways. But prepare yourself too for the reaction of your partner. However rocky the relationship has been for a while, the news will probably come out of the blue and be a cruel and devastating blow for someone who may still love you. So steel yourself for this.

If you are finding it more and more difficult to say the words, it may mean that there is a part of you actually reluctant to bring about the parting of the ways, so think about this.

Whatever you do, don’t do the cowardly thing and just disappear. Unless, and only unless, you are in fear of your life. Where a relationship has been overshadowed by violence this may be the wise thing to do, at least for a while. An alternative would be to have someone with you when you break the news that you are leaving. If there is a likelihood of a physically violent reaction make sure you have somewhere safe to go to.

There is no easy way to tell your partner you are leaving, so gird yourself for fireworks. Remember, too, there is no way you can predict your partner’s reaction to the bombshell you are going to drop. So be very sure this step is one you really want to make. Prepare what you want to say, and brace yourself for a very painful time. It’s never easy to tell anyone that you no longer love them.

© Jill Curtis 2003

To read more about relationships, marriage and divorce get Jill’s book Find Your Way Through Divorce