'I don't love you any more!'

These words are probably the most hurtful ones of all to hear. And yet, somewhere, every day these words are being said. Often to a partner who had no idea that there was anything wrong with their relationship.

We all know the wonderful feeling of falling in love. Long before we meet that special one we have practice runs with crushes on pop stars, sports idols or even the boy or girl next door. We all know what it is like to see the world in technicolor and to bring our loved-one’s name into the conversation at every possible moment. We feel brighter, lighter and certainly happier when there is love in the air. When that love is returned, and we are told we are loved, it can make even the dullest and plainest of us feel like royalty. There truly is, as all the love songs tell us, ‘music in the air’ and we all know the feeling of having ‘wings on our heels’ as we go to meet our lover.

Perhaps nobody really warns us about how we will feel if love walks out of the door. Of course, there are songs and poems about unrequited love, but the melancholy expressed is no indicator of the gut-wrenching pain of being told that we are no longer loved. Especially if those words come from your partner and you felt the commitment you both made was to be lifelong.

So how easy is it to fall in or out of love? I think in life we are all primed to fall in love - starting with the strong bond between baby and mother and father. It is our early experience of love which becomes a blueprint for us in later life. Adolescents fall in love with the idea of being in love, and nothing can be sweeter than a first kiss. Unfortunately, some people can become addicted to that heady feeling of falling in love: when that first rush of excitement begins to fade, so does the relationship, and the man or woman gets that urge to move on feeling.

Perhaps there are times when the ‘I-no-longer-love-you’ scenario means that someone has found it difficult to move from the honeymoon phase - which may well last for years - to a steady, deeper, loving feeling. This is a transition which has to be made in any adult long-term relationship, and lucky are the couples who can achieve this. It certainly doesn’t mean that romance and excitement flies out of the window but it goes hand in hand with a stronger certainty about the partnership, for better or worse.

Cupid might be held responsible for shooting that arrow of desire and love into our hearts, but each of us has to take responsibility for the pain we cause if we tell our partner that he or she is no longer loved. It can take a long, long time to recover from this blow. So, if you are thinking of saying those words to a partner be aware of the devastation they are going to cause. Of course, there are times when it is right to separate - and being a victim of domestic violence is one of those times. But if you are caught in the web of an affair and you believe the grass is greener in a relationship on the other side of the fence, think carefully, and think about why you loved your partner at the beginning. Remembering those early courtship days may mean you are in for a big surprise.

© Jill Curtis 2002