"Is your relationship in trouble?"

Being in love brings with it many powerful emotions. We all know that magic feeling of falling in love. On the other hand the awareness of falling out of love is often a gradual process which can creep up on us.

Are you wondering if your relationship is heading for the rocks? Is your relationship in trouble? I wonder what it is about your relationship which makes you ask these questions? Is it that you just have an uneasy feeling? Is it that things aren’t what they used to be? Are you considering whether to opt out, or to try to get it on course again?

All relationships go through rough patches. That’s life, and anyone who thinks differently is in for a big surprise. It may be that you are both so busy with day-to-day living that you have begun to neglect each other and to take each other for granted. Have you stopped doing those little things for each other which make you feel loved? You know what I mean: that cold drink brought out when your partner is into DIY, or the spontaneous neck rub when you are at your most tense. Small things in themselves, but they all add up to the amount of treasure in the emotional bank.

Is boredom or restlessness a sufficient reason to bring about the collapse of a marriage? If you feel you are heading this way think very long and hard about it. If you change one partner for another without understanding what has brought this about, who is to say whether or not the same scenario will be repeated in a few years time? Remember the wonderful feeling of falling in love goes on forever only in fairy tales; in real life this feeling gradually changes and needs to merge into a mature kind of loving. If we are unable to achieve this the temptation is to move on and find another person who matches our dreams. So, beware: this quest can become addictive.

There are many reasons for a couple to find themselves in difficulties, and one of the most common is when a third person becomes entangled in their lives. Perhaps you are suspicious and are wondering if your partner is straying. There are often signs which give a partner’s infidelity away: is there lack of enthusiasm for doing things you used to do together? Have you found your partner out in a lie? Have you noticed unexplained changes of mood? Perhaps being ‘over happy’ at times, and at other times very depressed or tearful? Has there been a change in your lovemaking recently? Is it different? Or has it stopped altogether? If these are some of your worries what should the next step be? Don’t jump to conclusions too soon. Check out if your partner has outside concerns - fear of a job loss, a recent bereavement, anxieties about finance or health.

Do you really want to end your marriage, or relationship? Is this the only solution? Of course, if there has been an act of violence, drug or alcohol abuse once too often, endless broken promises or discovery of a sexual betrayal it is understandable that you will want to consider whether this is the end of the road.

I receive many e-mails from women and men who ask how they can know if their relationship is worth saving and fighting for. In writing my new book Find Your Way Through Divorce I devoted the first section to looking at whether or not your relationship had reached a crossroads. I called this ‘THE END OF YOUR MARRIAGE?’ - and in asking the question I discuss whether or not there has to be a divorce and I go through the alternatives which are open to you, with checklists to help you find the right path for yourself.

Part Two is called ‘GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE’ and this explores what divorce will entail and also looks at the worrying question of how to help children through a family divorce. The difficult issues surrounding a new partner, being a single parent, or becoming a stepparent and even creating a blended family are discussed. The third section ‘HELP IS AT HAND’ lists what help is on offer - emotionally and legally. And where you can look for further advice and support.

Part Four is called ‘IT’S ALL BEHIND YOU’ and looks at life after divorce. In your darkest moments you may wonder what life will be like after afterwards. If a breakup is inevitable - and I keep in mind that the divorce may not have been your choice - the way it is handled will make it possible to believe that if you have learnt from the past, and go on learning, you can seize a second chance for happiness.

© Jill Curtis 2004