What makes a good parent:? Love and care of a child. Nevertheless, these qualities are not necessarily seen as compatible with the choice of a partner, especially if the partner is of the same sex.

Families headed by two lesbian women are generally little understood, and because of this, not all couples will make their lifestyle known. Stonewall, an organization dedicated to supporting lesbian and gay parents, say that one of the most insidious myths about lesbian and gay parents is that they cannot and should not have children. In fact, they can and they do. Some have children before realizing they are gay, some take on the parenting role when they become the partner of someone who already has children.

The research for my books on the family have led me to understand more about the pressures many women find themselves coping with. Listen to these three women - all mothers.

Melanie: 'It took the death of a close friend to make me think about my life. You only get one shot at it. I took the plunge. I have two sons who now live with my partner and me, although they started out with their father. I was very anxious at the beginning about custody.'

Laura: 'After eight years of marriage and three wonderful kids I decided I needed to live my life and not the life that made everyone else happy. It had begun by being the perfect daughter, good wife and mother. Exit husband, hello freedom. Kids are still wonderful, and I met a Princess Charming.'

Connie: 'I've been out with my little girl and local lads have shouted at me that they ought to rape me to straighten me out. Thank God Sandy is only three. I am terrified that my ex-partner will try to take her away.'

Connie has met the aggression, which can stalk any homosexual. Both Laura and Melanie had to choose between the desire to be authentic and honest, and the fear that by doing so, harm, pain, and confusion will be caused to those they loved. As we can see, it is not at all easy for a mother to 'come out'. It may also mean 'coming out' to parents as well as a partner and children. However, the anguish of having a relationship where you feel you are living a fabrication, has to be faced. I have been told it can feel as if you are 'damaging your soul'.

Opinions differ as to the wisdom of a partner becoming a co-parent. Perhaps the problems, which arise, are not so different from those faced by any parent or stepparent, since introducing a new member into a family always calls for sensitivity and discretion. As with a new heterosexual partner the children need to be kept informed about the situation as it develops, in a way they can understand, and a relationship needs to be formed gradually between the child and adult.

Alex: 'I'd love to 'come out' as a new family - but my instincts tell me to keep quiet about my private life. I love my kids and I have seen how others can get teased.'

Corrine: 'I 'came out' last year. No more living a lie. I thank God every day. My kids are great and so are my grandchildren.'

Gay families expressed the very same feelings about what is necessary for a successful family that I heard from heterosexual couples: love, care and respect. In other words, they were saying, it is the quality of parenting which matters above all else, even above the sex of the parents. Strong feelings were expressed, though, endorsing the belief that while children do need parents of both genders in their lives, it may not be possible for them both to live in the family home.

Annie: a fifteen-year old who lives with her lesbian mother and partner had something to say: 'I ask everyone, 'What's the big deal? We're just a family. All people are created equal, remember?'

© Jill Curtis 2001