Let children see the love shining in your eyes

Look at any group of children and right away you will spot the ones who have an air of confidence and security. Any new parent given the chance to make a wish for his or her new baby might well hope that their child will be able to develop a way of facing the world without fear or low self-esteem, and put this at the top of their list. So how can any parent help a child to develop this sense of assurance?

One of the most important things a parent can convey to a child is that he or she is loved. Perhaps you may feel that this is a ‘given’ and that your child will somehow know this, but that is not always the case. We all know of mothers (not you, of course) who will tease and humiliate her child, often done in the spirit of ‘fun’ but words like ‘clumsy’ and ‘stupid’ and ‘dense’ have a way of sticking and become hard to shake off later in life. These negative words become imbedded in the soul. I have worked with adults who are convinced that they are dull or boring and these convictions can often be traced back to a careless word flung at them when they were children - a time when they believed that the people who cared for them knew best. So beware of a negative attitude: ‘You are always so untidy, clear up now’ might well be turned into ‘It would be wonderful if you could put all the bricks back in that box’. Followed later by, ‘Great, I knew you could do it.’ Positive reinforcement is a tremendous morale-booster. You like it when you get praised, don’t you?

If it is a just cause for criticism, tell it how it is. Again, starting a sentence with ‘You never.....’ or ‘You always.....’ doesn’t give much room for negotiation. A more helpful approach such as ‘We have got a problem here.....’ is much more likely to engage a child’s attention, without him or her feeling, ‘Oh, here we go again, more trouble.’ It also begins to teach a child the value of discussion which is an invaluable lesson for life.

Teaching a child skills develops confidence: to be able to use scissors safely, to cross the road, to ride a bike, all these attributes enable a child to feel more independent. Cries of ‘Well done’ when it is deserved, can never come too often. Each time a child feels a parent’s approbation it adds to the sense of inner approval which can remain with that child for the rest of his life. Just think for a moment when you last felt unsure of yourself. Most likely it was in a situation when you didn’t know what to do or how to behave. If you know what is expected of you and what is happening it makes it easier to feel at ease and happy. Children are no different.

If you are fully aware of your own feelings, then you will find it easier to pick up your child’s unhappiness or insecurity, and you can do something about it. If you are cut off from your own sense of self, then you are more likely to ignore signs of distress in your child and these feelings if unnoticed, will continue to build up.

Try to maintain as much eye contact as you can with your child. It helps if you can bend down to a toddler when talking to him, and in that way he or she can learn to ‘read’ your expression. They will soon sense if you are angry or pleased with them. Remember all children need to know - and feel - they are the apple of their parents’ eye. So let them see your love for them shining in yours.

© Jill Curtis 2002