What makes a family today?

When I was researching for my book Making and Breaking Families, 'What makes a family today?' was a question I posted on the Internet and which appeared in several magazines and newspapers. I was overwhelmed by the huge response I received. It seemed that everyone had an opinion, and everyone wanted to tell me about the blueprint which they saw as ‘making a family today’.

The exciting thing was, though, that the answers were varied and different. The contributions I read began to reflect the variety of groups which go to constitute a family at the end of the nineteen-nineties.

For many people, the word ‘family’ conjures up the traditional picture of two parents, usually married, and their children. How realistic is it to expect families to be like this now and in the future?

Of course, the media love to dwell on the number of broken families that there are. Statistics about the number of single parent families, blended and step families are there for us all to see. Quite often, though, the couples who have stayed together are sidelined, and they do not make the news. Yet there are families who have weathered storms, held fast together and are able to provide a safe untroubled harbour for the children over many years.

It seems to be a common cry from those married for thirty, forty or more years that the couples marrying today often see divorce as an easy way out, and that more should be spoken about the need to work at a relationship. Once the honeymoon is over, where do you go from there? Couples who had been married for years were pleased to have their opinions listened to. ‘Be open and affectionate in front of the children’ ‘Learn to say sorry and mean it’ ‘Be independent at times, and dependent at others’ ‘Take time to decide on marriage and then make it work’ and, perhaps most telling of all, ‘It doesn’t just happen, make it happen.

But, a wider chorus of voices made themselves heard and in my book I have tried to represent many different points of view. What of the men and women who have to ‘go it alone’? Perhaps the reluctant partner in a divorce. The poor publicity given to ‘single parents’ makes their job even harder. What of the stepmother or stepfather trying to create a new and loving home for the children? They, too, have to cross public opinion while forging new relationships with children and a new partner. What of blended families, where couples who already have children come together to create a new family? We must acknowledge the fact there are grandparents parenting their grandchildren, often coming to the rescue after a family crisis. Finding yourself a parent ‘second time around’ is no easy task. There are gay and lesbian couples who parent a child, perhaps from an earlier heterosexual relationship.

The kaleidoscope of families is almost endless, but each in their own way hold onto beliefs about the family and what it stands for. A family, whatever the makeup, is about love and care and watching out for each other. I heard from Molly, now in her eightieth year: ‘I am an old lady now, but I do know this. Families are all about care and must be a place to protect the young and the old, and the sick.’

The family may not be as recognizable as it once was, but it still thrives in a variety of ways. As well as the old, there are new patterns, and we must learn to recognize them and to support and to value them.

© Jill Curtis 2000