Many couples who separate tell each other that whatever happens ‘the kids will come first’. Their intention is right and praiseworthy but saying it is much easier than actually carrying it out.

To allay the children’s anxieties the usual answer is to tell them that, ‘Although Daddy and Mummy can’t live together, we both love you.’ Is this the end of story? No, unfortunately it is just the beginning.

Of course, in the best of all possible worlds, the rules for a smooth family transition would mean that everyone would be polite, considerate, they would always be on time for collection and pick-up, and there would never be a cross word in front of the kids. It is an ideal which many parents strive for, but as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. And parents who are totally out of sync with each other are unlikely to be able to negotiate this difficult step satisfactorily.

Even if a couple - let’s call them Jane and Jim - decide that they will do all in their power to see that the kids don’t suffer, how is it that the relationship can turn so sour and that all too often children find themselves caught in the middle?

Jane and Jim decided that they would, in their words, divide the children up ... so that Ben and Holly would swap over homes every week. ‘After all,’ they agreed, ‘didn’t "everybody" say that this is what is best for children after a divorce?’ What seems to have escaped them is that unlike the material household goods, the bank accounts and the pets, all of which can be divided up without answering back, Jane and Jim over-looked the fact that the kids will have feelings and thoughts of their own. They were genuinely puzzled when after a few months the children were showing signs of distress: ‘It seemed to be working so well,’ they said. It had, in fact, worked for them but they had not thought to discuss the matter with the children!

What about a couple who are at war from day one? When one partner feels betrayed the temptation is to hit back, and what often comes to mind is to ‘punish’ the other parent either by making access difficult, or to engage in bad-mouthing the parent who has left. I am not talking about a systematic brain-washing. Very few parents would resort to ‘Parental Alienation Syndrome’ which is what the experts have termed the deliberate attempt to poison a child’s mind and attitude towards a parent. What is much more prevalent, and often unconscious, is a constant putting down of the other parent, by constantly referring to how ‘Your mother never ...’ or ‘How I wish your father ...’ This can and does affect the child adversely.

Sadly, many parents are unable to curb their own feelings so that all the grief and hurt they feel pours out onto the, often bewildered, child. Veiled messages are sent from parent to parent through the kids, which is just not fair. Barbara: ‘All I did was tell Robbie to ask his dad to buy him new trainers. That caused a terrible row, but I can’t afford to buy everything Robbie needs and his dad needs to know this.’ As a result of this message Jim shouted at Barbara for ‘spoiling his day with his son’ and Barbara shouted back that there was not enough money to go around, let alone go to Legoland. Was it really any surprise that Robbie was distraught, thought it was all his fault that his parents were shouting at each other, and was too poorly to go to school next day?

When there is another person, perhaps a new lover, on the scene, the complications multiply. Often in the throws of a new love a parent is excited and wants to include the child in the new relationship, but this is more than likely to cause much fury and misery to the parent left behind. Lily: ‘I feel that Tammie has taken over my husband, my life, and now she wants my kids. No!’

Often finance and access get confused: ‘I won’t pay if you wont let me see my kids.’ ‘Remember, you left us. We are not going to make it easy for you. They don’t want to speak to you on the phone.’ The battles rage, and again the kids suffer.

So what about our couple - Jane and Jim - who began with high hopes and thoughtful planning? Family therapy sessions showed them how far apart they were in their parenting ideas, and how this had affected their children. Jane: ‘We understood good intentions weren’t enough. We were four people who had to find a new way. We couldn’t do it in theory, it needed to be by trial and error. At the beginning we comforted ourselves by saying the children would be okay. Of course they were not. We think we have it right now - or as right as it can be after the breakup of a family.’

A last word from Angie: ‘I know the theory. Kids need both parents, but its hard, very hard. Any arrangements we do make get broken at the last moment. I am the one to pick up the pieces. We started off trying to be friends, but there is too much water under the bridge and now we are not speaking. My heart bleeds for the children.’

I think Angie truly sums up the difficulties of parenting after divorce. Of course there are guidelines, and many compromises have to be made if parenting is to be top of the agenda. All too often it slips down the page as fury, retaliation, and pure bloody-mindedness are what get to the top.

You may, or may not, have had a choice about the breakup of the family, but remember the children never have that choice. I am afraid they are nearly always caught in the crossfire of parents at war.

© Jill Curtis 2004

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