So, you are getting married for a second time. As this is going to remind you of your first wedding, you should not be surprised if the feelings that are stirred up are strong and often conflicting.

If the first occasion was many years ago ( there are now more later second-time weddings) you may feel that the young bride or groom on that day simply isn’t recognizable as the man or woman you are today. In some ways this is so, in others not, as the years have brought gains and loses and left their mark. It is true that old heads cannot be put on young shoulders and at some point we all wish we had known then what we know now.

Looking at old wedding photos often brings up the cry of "But, I looked so young then". But cast your mind back to how grown-up you felt at the time and so sure of what you were doing. I believe many women (and quite a few men) weep at weddings because they see the hope and trust for the future in those young faces. Sadly, as we get older, we see a different perspective and a terrain with dragons to slay that we never dreamt of in those bygone days.

Perhaps your first spouse has died, and although much of the grieving is behind you, the approaching new wedding day may bring up feelings of great sadness once more and even a worrying sense of betrayal. Memories can be painful, and you may get caught in the bittersweet thoughts of your past relationship. Do try not to let this be a grey cloud over your new happiness.

Your bride- or groom-to-be may have anxious thoughts about whether you are comparing the second wedding with your earlier celebration. This is a time to offer reassurance, and your enthusiasm and excitement over the plans for this ceremony will be all-important for your partner. Let him or her feel that this wedding is in no way second best.

If your first marriage ended unhappily with a divorce, you may be surprised to discover that you still have lingering thoughts and memories of that wedding day. Again, that is not so surprising, because however painfully life turned out, there must have been love there at the beginning. And it is always sad to recall the memories of a love that lost its way, and of the hearts which got broken.

If you are still in contact with your ex I wonder if you have informed him or her about your forthcoming wedding? Today when divorce and remarriage are widespread it is considered the right thing for the ex-partner to be the first to pass on this announcement. Soon-to-be-married again men and women are often taken aback to find an ex spouse is extremely distressed to hear the news secondhand. There are some men and women who can even manage to dance at their ex partner’s wedding, but for most, this is carrying an amicable breakup too far.

It is important to acknowledge to yourself that you are taking this important step of a remarriage only after a great deal of thought, and that the decision is based on years of experience. With maturity comes a sense of knowing what you want, and the decision to commit yourself to another person springs from a sense of understanding about yourself as well. So even though you are engulfed in wedding plans and treading the minefield of whom to invite and who will play which role, take a moment or two to appreciate the luck you have of finding someone whom you love and who loves you. It is your second wedding, and a second chance at happiness as a couple. So be happy!

© Jill Curtis 2002

Click here for information on Jill's new book on Second Weddings

click here for the US site Gettingremarried.com