When I wrote Where’s Daddy? together with my daughter, we used ‘Daddy’ in the title because nine out of ten single parents are mothers. We did, however, acknowledge that the book could have been called Where’s Mummy? and we gave single fathers a strong voice in our book.

It is hard enough to be a parent when part of a couple, but the single parent has to face many difficulties alone. There are decisions to be made daily about bringing up children, and at the same time many a lone parent has to struggle with a tight budget. Although some women may choose to be single parents, the majority find that it is thrust upon them, either because of the breakdown of a relationship, or the death of a partner. It is not easy to keep in mind when we see the statistics showing the number of divorces which take place each year, that there is often a reluctant partner in a number of divorces. If a partner leaves suddenly - and this includes death as the cause of the breakup of a family - the parent left with the children has to struggle to manage grief, anger and loss while at the same time remaining a strong parent for the children.

The children will, of course, have their own feelings to deal with, and it seems cruel and unfair that when a bereaved parent is at his or her lowest ebb, the children need to be reassured that all is as well as can be, and that they are safe and loved. It is hard to answer questions that the children ask, especially if you are not sure what the answers should be. ‘Why did Mummy leave?’ ‘Doesn’t Daddy love us anymore?’ and even ‘Why did you send Dad away?’ These questions can leave even the most loving parent searching for answers to give their child.

Each single parent has to find his or her own way of re-assembling the family jigsaw, and this may be with some help from the other parent or not. For some fortunate ones, support from their extended family brings a feeling of stability and strength. Others find different ways: perhaps by shared parenting or combining families with another in a similar situation, while yet others join supportive organizations to meet other single parents and their children. On balance, the message which comes through is that a parent on his or her own, creating a new family, does feel very vulnerable. Society still does little to make room for a lone parent. But single parents are no longer prepared to fade into the background, and there is a strong move to combat the damage done to families by labels. As I heard from Brian: ‘I will not let us be called a single-parent family. My son has two parents - how could it be otherwise? Divorce doesn’t change that.’

© Jill Curtis 2002

To read more about single parents get Jill’s new book Find Your Way Through Divorce