Single-handed parents Today the words ‘single-parent’ and ‘lone parent’ receive a bad press. But what of the women and men who find themselves thrust - perhaps against their will - into this position? Some women do choose to be single mothers and to create a family on their own, but this is by no means the majority, and those who do make this choice still find themselves faced by single-parent issues. As the UK is the divorce capital of Europe, and as more children find themselves living with one parent these need to be addressed. According to SPAN (Single Parent Action Network) 23% of all families with children are lone-parent families - which makes a total of 1.3 million single parents in Britain. Gingerbread ( an organization dedicated to helping single parents) tells us that nine out of ten lone parents are mothers. Of course, there are fathers in a similar position - but for the sake of clarity I shall speak of ‘mothers’ with a real acknowledgement to the men bringing up a child on their own. In my research for my books on the family I heard again and again of the prejudice single parents can feel directed towards them, particularly hard when they are struggling to keep afloat. Annie: ‘After my divorce I moved house with my three children. A year on our neighbour told me that they had all been dismayed when they heard a single-parent family was moving into the street. “We all thought the kids would be tearaways, but they are so well mannered.” I was told this with obvious surprise, and relief.’ There needs to be a groundswell of opinion to combat the damage done to families by such labels. In news reports earlier this year of an alleged rape of a nine-year-old girl by boys of her peer group in a primary school the media, without exception, drew attention to the number of children at the school who lived in a single-parent family. This reinforces the belief that all single-parent families are dysfunctional. Gloria: ‘I will not let us be called a single-parent family. My son has two parents - how could it be otherwise? Divorce doesn’t change that.’ The responsibility of being a single-parent, with daily decisions about bringing up a child, and often trying to balance a tight budget, is a daunting one. All the evidence gathered over the years about the importance of caring for a child - especially under the age of three - is too often disregarded when there is pressure on a mother to work outside the home. Since the young child’s experience of early mothering has a lifelong impact on his ability to make future close relationships, society needs to be aware of the consequences for the next generation if this is not valued. Children need consistency of care, individual attention and prompt response to distress. Especially after a divorce - which at best means partial loss of a parent - the importance of the presence of the resident parent cannot be emphasized too strongly. But becoming a parent on your own to care for children does require a complete rethink. To be faced by this after the heartbreak of a death, divorce or separation can mean that it takes great courage to hold on to the belief that you are a good parent, and can care for the children on your own. That you are, in fact still a family. Emma: ‘At thirty-nine and after seven years of marriage I found myself a single parent. I didn’t choose to be one and, would you believe, at first could only think I must find a new partner. It took two years and many tears for me to realize that mum, and dad and kids are not the only combination to make up a ‘family’.’ In time each parent finds her own way of regrouping as a family. Some band together with another single-parent - whilst others gather a ‘new’ family around them including neighbours and close friends. Family, if luckily enough to have an extended one, are hopefully also there for some back up. But so too, are some organizations, run by either volunteers or professionals, who can help with the practical and emotional fall out. No longer are one-parent families prepared to fade into the background; they have a right to be accepted by the community. By joining organizations such as SPAN, FAMILIES NEED FATHERS and GINGERBREAD often helps to discover advice about finance, debts and sometimes even where to go for a holiday. On balance, the message which came through to me was that a parent on his or her own does feel very vulnerable. Society does little to make room for a lone parent. The happiest men and women on their own seemed to be those who had reassembled the marital jigsaw into a fresh picture, and from them a positive attitude did shine through. Julie: ‘Don’t forget to have fun. Coping alone with domestic chores and worrying about money can mean fun can go out of the window. Don’t let it.’ Diana: ‘My kids are big fans of Barney and he has a great song about families. What the song basically says is that, ‘family is people and a family is love’. It doesn’t matter what your family consists of, just that you love each other. It is a great song for our situation.’ © Jill Curtis 2001