If the past months, or even years, have meant that you and your partner are out of the habit of talking to each other, really talking, then you will need to think very carefully before you take this route. You must be clear in your own mind what you want to talk about. It will not help either of you, or the relationship, if the tete-a-tete you are planning turns out to be another painful dialogue. Or even worse, a monologue where you find yourself listing your grievances one more time. Beware of getting caught into just itemising the things your partner has or hadn't done. It will be much more fruitful if you can find a way of explaining how you feel, and then leave the door open so as to listen to your partners comments.

Once you have made up your mind about the points you want to discuss with your partner, find the right time to do this. Starting to have a serious talk just before friends are due to arrive, or when you know your partner will be exhausted will not help, so it is essential to find the time when you are sure you will not be interrupted. If this seems difficult to arrange, then take it upon yourself to make the time and space. You may have only one shot at this.

Be sure that the time is right for you, also. Avoid sticking to your plan if you are feeling under the weather or stressed. If you can be calm, and as relaxed as possible, then this will be transmitted to your partner. If you are on edge, this too will be conveyed and it will set off alarm bells. Not the best context for the fruitful discussion you are hoping for.

Here are some guidelines to keep in mind:

• Set the scene with care

• Carefully plan in advance what you want to discuss with your partner

• Chose a good time to do this

• Don't let it turn into a squabble.

• Don't begin every sentence with 'You'. It can sound very aggressive

• Try to talk about the way you see the situation

• Give your partner the space to contribute another point of view

• Be prepared to listen

Perhaps this last point - listening - will be the hardest of all. You can set the scene, even rehearse what you want to say, but remember you may be in for a shock. Your partner may believe that YOU have not picked up signals or messages in the past. So be prepared. It will be worth it.

© Jill Curtis 2001