The hand that rocks the cradle

The importance for the child of the hand that rocks the cradle has long been acknowledged - but does that hand necessarily have to be the mother? The media is pleased to point us in the direction of ‘the new man’ and of his involvement in childcare - but how real is this? How true is this picture, and how widespread? From my research for my books about the family I have to say that there is still a long way to go before society at large acknowledges the true value of the father, especially in the lives of babies. So what can be done about this?

Since Freud, we have been inundated with evidence which underlines the significance of our first family attachments on relationships later in adult life. Most of the research concentrated on the importance of the relationship between mother and baby, and this had the effect of undervaluing the role of the father. It was much later that attention was turned towards the family unit, and that in turn began to put the spotlight on the importance of the father not only in a practical sense, but on his emotional support of the mother which enabled her to be free to care for her new baby.

Back in the 1940's the paediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W.Winnicott was urging mothers not to put the baby to bed before the father came home, because it would strengthen the bond between the parents if they shared the care of the infant. Today, we can add that it would strengthen the bond between father and baby too. Winnicott also said that the best things a father can do for his child is to be alive and to stay alive during the child’s early years. This was, of course, written before the large cloud of divorce spread over so many families with young children, and left them either without a father or with only a part-time one.

Perhaps it is difficult for a father who is involved with the day to day care of his children to accept that some fathers do not take on the parenting role with the same enthusiasm, enjoyment and responsibility. A distressing scenario I came across quite frequently was when talking with fathers who were separated from their children, often without any contact at all, and hearing from them that they thought that they ‘had not been missed’, or that they ‘did not matter’ to their children. How can this have come about? How can these men have such a low opinion of their own value and importance in their children’s lives?

We see some fathers totally involved in antenatal classes - active at the birth of their baby - and with real hands on parenting from day one. This is greatly enhanced by the shift to encourage men to be present at the birth itself. Fortunately, long gone - for most - is the expectant father pacing the floor who is then given (albeit briefly) the new baby to hold, before it is handed back to the mother. Now that mothers are confined for hours rather than weeks or days after the birth the new dad is able to be involved in those all important early days.

European countries lead the way in granting not only paid maternity leave, but also paternity leave. The UK has a good record of paid maternity leave both before and after the birth of a baby, and has now introduced paid paternity leave for one week. It is a beginning in giving society an important message that fathers count, and this is a message which will be heard by the men, too, and in time make it less likely that a father who has been involved with his baby from day one will even think of saying ‘He won’t notice if I go, will he? Isn’t he too young?’ or even ‘It won’t matter to my daughter if I don’t see her, will it?’ or as I have had said to me on many occasions,‘What would I DO all day with a small child?’

Any parent who has been there, really there, for their baby - rocked the cradle in every sense of the word - will be amazed at those questions, and they can answer from the heart that their children certainly would miss them desperately, and that the bond between the father and the child is every bit as strong as the one we all know about, between mother and child.

A last word about care of the grandparents. Too many grandparents lose touch with loved grandchildren after the break up of a family. This is a very cruel blow, and painful too for the children who may find they have lost half of their family at a stroke. Some grandparents, of course, find they are more involved with childcare and support if their own child becomes a single parent. But either way, they will have been affected by the turn of events and will lose that sense of comfort and ease which comes from believing that "everything is all right". They may also find they have lost a much loved son-or daughter-in-law.

A divorce in the family brings with it grief for many people. So if you know of a family in the centre of a crisis try to give them any support you can. A sympathetic ear and making time to talk, will earn you undying gratitude. It is a time for rallying round, and for us all to help in any way we can.

© Jill Curtis 2004