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The kids must come first!

When a couple breakup there are no winners. Often in the throws of a separation even the most loving parents blind themselves to what is happening to the children, but one thing is certain: any children from the relationship will be deeply affected. 'They are okay' or 'The kids are tough' are the kind of comments adults use to protect themselves; they refuse to accept what it must be like for a child to watch the people he most loves in the world at war with each other.

One of the couple may have had no say in the breakup, but remember that children never have a choice. Very young children will find it hard to express how they are feeling, so they may exhibit 'out-of-order' behaviour or show their anguish in physical ways like tummy aches or bedwetting. Older children are more likely to show their feelings in other ways: don't be fooled by a 'couldn't care less' attitude, and watch out for school work falling off. Remember children can, and do, get depressed. Even if there has been long-standing strife within the family most children in their hearts are loyal to both mum and dad, and it is just not fair for one parent to run down the other parent in an attempt to get the kids on their side.

One of the burdens children of divorce carry is when they have to deal with situations far beyond their abilities, or when they are exposed to issues not appropriate for their age. Even parents who vow they will never let their children suffer are often distressed to find that along the line things have deteriorated, and decisions about access, finance, new relationships and more have clouded the scene. Research with adults who look back to the time when their parents separated illustrate that the impact is deep and long lasting

Fortunately, there are ways that children can be helped. So what are the pitfalls and where are the danger zones?

  • Don't agree to the impossible. And on the question of contact, do start as you mean to go on. If you are the non-resident parent, remember that it will matter very much to your child if you change days and dates.

  • Don't fall in the trap of saying, 'I'll wait and see more of them when they are older.' This is the most common regret of fathers without contact.

  • Remember contact is for the child, so avoid strife and stress at hand-over time. It is not the time to discuss fraught issues.

  • Remember that the things that irritated you about your partner when you were together, will continue to infuriate you when you are separated.

  • Never send veiled messages through your child to your ex.

  • Don't question your child about what is going on in your ex's life.

  • Answer the children's questions truthfully, but make sure any explanations are age-appropriate.

  • Resist the urge to tell a child all the details of what has brought about a breakup. Let them stay as children and not your confidantes.

  • Remember your child needs you in his or her life: whatever has happened, you are still very important to your child.

  • If you are the non-resident parent don't try to turn all days together into outings - kids need time just to hang out with you.

  • The small things matter to kids: the name of their best friend or teacher. So keep in touch through e-mail, text or telephone between visits.

  • Don't be bullied or blackmailed into backing down on discipline because you are afraid of turning your children away from you. Children need boundaries, and to know just where you stand. It makes them feel safe.

  • Don't bring along a new partner out of the blue and expect everyone to fall in love. Preparation about a new relationship is paramount.

  • If you are living with a new partner and their kids from previous relationships, keep in mind how hard this must be for your own children. Make sure you still have time to be alone with them, and to listen to them.

  • If you plan to remarry take great care about how you tell the children the news; watch carefully for their reaction. You may be excited, but the remarriage of a parent brings to an end any dreams the kids may have about you and your ex getting back together as a family.

  • Do take great care to find out how involved they want to be in your second wedding, and go long as far as you can with what they want.

  • Never give up. All kids are fussy and difficult at times, but they deserve your undivided attention and want and need to be able to rely on both parents. You may be separated, but to the kids you are still their mum or dad and they need to know that.

    • There is more advice in jill's books Where's Daddy? and Find Your Way through Divorce

    © Jill Curtis 2004