Till death do us part

Is there a family anywhere not yet touched in some way by the shadow of a divorce? The UK is the divorce capital of Europe, but the number of broken marriages and relationships in every country makes for depressing reading.

Are we all becoming immune to the distress caused when a marriage flounders, wether as a result of violence, drug or alcohol abuse, or because a heart has gone astray? Just because divorce is more in evidence it does not mean that it is any the less agonizing for the couple. And for the extended family as well. Whatever the pain for the men and women involved, can you imagine what it is like for a child to experience the breakup of his or her family? The fall out from any divorce goes much further than this, for instance there are many grandparents with broken hearts because a split in the family has meant that they are forbidden to keep in touch with a loved grandchild.

When I was researching for my books on the family I spoke to hundreds of men and women who had been through, or were going through, a separation. For some, the breakup had been forced upon them. Some said that it often felt as if it had come ‘out of the blue’ although with hindsight the signs that all was not well were there to be seen. It is often a case of not seeing what we don’t want to see. It maybe easier to ‘fall in love’ but the realization that as a couple you have fallen ‘out of love’ is often accepted slowly. But it happens. And then even for those who had wanted the separation, the untangling of a relationship is complex and never pain-free. The sadness about the loss of hopes and dreams is felt by even the least romantic of us.

How is it that some relationships can ripen as the years go by, whilst others collapse almost as soon as the wedding ceremony is over? We read and hear about those who make headlines - of second and third weddings and more. If we believe only what the media tells us we would believe that most people are involved in an elaborate dance of changing partners. Those couples who stay together and appreciate a warm and loving relationship do not on the whole make the news. But plenty of them were pleased to help with my book. What was their secret? ‘Take time to marry, and then make it work’ ‘Believe in each other’ ‘Don’t take risks, take care of what you have.’ And ‘Make sure you are in love. It will see you through.’

How did our mothers and grandmothers fare in their marriages? As the door to escape through was much harder to open, were they happier? Or were there many many depressed and unhappy women struggling in an impossible situation and a failed partnership? Their daughters have been told they can have it all, but has it helped them? I think not. The women’s movement raised the consciousness of a generation, but it also left some untidy ends.

Women today are not so ready to believe that love conquers all, and are not prepared to wait around for the knight to come along and rescue them, instead they get on with their own lives. But there are women who do not want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, and hope to find the right ‘new’ man to share a life with and even to grow old together. If that is what you want, look for the right person and as the song says: ‘Once you have found him, never let him go’.

Looking at the unprecedented number of broken marriages and relationships today, it is a sad thought that every time a bride or groom said the words ‘I do’ they believed they were saying just that.

© Jill Curtis 2001