“Grandma what big teeth you've got”

As if it isn’t difficult enough at times being a parent, having a child also means turning your parents and your partners’ parents, into grandparents. The path to negotiate can be a tricky one for a new mother or father, and it can sometimes mean reliving some feelings not felt for years. It isn’t easy to be a novice in front of more experienced eyes, and feelings of inadequacy or uncertainly in the face of suspected parental criticisms (whether spoken or not) has caused many a young parent to shed tears of helplessness or anger.

So, what part do you want your parents to play in the lives of your children? It comes as a surprise for many couples to find the parents they remember as difficult or restrictive turning into devoted and caring grandparents!

"He actually gets down on the floor and plays with the kids" "She lets them paint and mess up the kitchen - never did that with me" are the kind of complaints that are expressed. But the grandparents I spoke to justified themselves by saying "I have more time now" and "I know how quickly time passes and I want to enjoy the grandchildren".

Of course fashion changes, but babies are old-fashioned things, and one grandmother I spoke to was outraged to be asked to mind the baby and to be handed four pages of instructions! On the other hand, there are distressed grandmothers who on trying to change the nappy find no pins are needed, but a certain amount of dexterity in dealing with sticky tapes.

My attitude to being a grandmother is coloured by my experience of my own grandparents. A bad tempered grandfather whose way I soon learned to keep out of, and a wonderful grandma who taught me card games and a large repertoire of World War l songs. I was startled to find myself crooning to my grandchildren about it being ‘a long way to Tipperary’. But becoming a grandmother was certainly a red-letter day for me.

For families in conflict or crisis, and for any parent lucky enough to have an extended family around, it is worth taking time to involve the older generation with the children. On any beach or park it is possible to see examples of the way the older and younger generation can find a mutually satisfying relationship. Encourage it - help it along - and the benefit will be there for all to enjoy. Who knows, it might even give the parents a little time off, and that must be a plus.

© Jill Curtis 2001