'Why do you get so angry?'

Is your relationship in danger of being torn apart by anger? Anger in itself is no bad thing, in the right place it is a powerful emotion, but when it is expressed in a way which your partner does not understand, then there is trouble ahead. That is when anger can be destructive and marriages can wither and die under the onslaught.

Many couples get caught into the cycle of him shouting, her shouting, him shouting louder, and ending by her shouting even louder. You may already experienced how repeated arguments never get resolved, and how at the end of a dramatic row you may not even remember what you started rowing about in the beginning.

All couples have disagreements, but it is the scale of these clashes which is the issue here. Indeed there are marriages which, in a way, thrive on heated debates; such altercations provide the necessary spice of life for some men and women. Some couples embark on quarrels where the heat gets turned up, but have learnt just how far to go before one or other of them begins to see a compromise, or alternative. These are the couples who have learnt - even in the heat of the battle - to listen to what is being said and to take on board what is truly important to their loved one.

But what of couples who have got into the habit of arguing and fighting until there is virtually no peace in the home - where any minute a colossal row can erupt over a seemingly minor incident. First, you should ask yourself what really is the problem. It is important to be clear about this.

If you are constantly on tenterhooks in case you have to defend yourself and you find yourself asking your partner, ‘Why do you get so angry?’ take a moment to think about how you are handling the explosive situation which so quickly erupts into anger between the two of you. Do you always manage to pick up signs that either you or your partner are more than stressed, or are tired, or going through a particularly difficult time? You probably already know that a row about who puts the rubbish out which left you both emotionally drained and exhausted was not really about this issue. So what is it?

Hopefully by reading this article you are half way to recognising that there is a problem. You may be thinking that you are a mild person, that is until you are provoked and then you give back as good as you get. But could it be that your partner has got caught in a trap of believing that the only way to make you sit up and take notice, and react, is to attack? Do you really know how your partner is feeling? In fact, do you know how you are feeling? What triggers off a row? Try to trace back the stages which brought it about. What was being missed along the way?

Ask yourself what is not being talked about whilst you are shouting at each other about minor infractions? Are you resentful about the childcare arrangements? Money? Sex? Or something else you have not discussed? When did you last have a talk together?

Select a time, no, make a time, when you know you will not be interrupted and ask your partner why he or she is getting so angry so quickly. Don’t be brushed aside, and don’t let it develop into a ‘well you never ...’ Take a big step and ask if your partner is unhappy and what it would take to make him or her happy? And listen. Listen. Listen. The ability to listen to a partner often seems to vanish over the years. Remember in your courting days how you talked and talked to each other? You were in touch then with every little nuance of your lover’s mood, so see if this can be recaptured. You may be horrified to learn that you have both lost the ability to sense each other’s shift of mood. And there is nothing guaranteed to trigger off a shouting match so much as feeling misunderstood and neglected. So if you have been asking your partner ‘Why do you get so angry?’ think about what makes you angry too, and how you can get yourselves out of this dead-end street. The alternative is too painful to contemplate.

© Jill Curtis 2003