“Why don't women make a fuss?”

If you are a man reading this article you may be thinking ‘but women DO make a fuss’. Perhaps you are remembering three times this week alone you have been asked to hang up the towels in the bathroom and not to leave them on the floor. I agree, women may ‘nag’ away about small things, but when it comes to bigger issues it is a different matter altogether.

It begins with the way our girls are treated differently as babies from our sons. Again, before anyone holds up their hands in horror and swears that all babies are now treated the same, stop a moment and watch any playgroup or nursery. From day one our baby daughters are described as ‘sweet’ and the almost involuntary movement of a mother is to pacify and perhaps cuddle a little girl into submission. Anger becomes diverted. Whereas her baby brother will be enjoyed for the noise he makes, and admiring glances will be directed towards the two-year-old boy as he roars around the room in imitation of a police car. Although enlightened parents have long encouraged their children to play with unisex toys, and frowned at the idea of giving a little girl a toy iron for a birthday present, there may still be a subtle message given with presents of a more creative, but passive, nature. The boy’s boy gets his football and is expected to get into a few scrapes along the way. It is significant that the phrase ‘boys will be boys’ is still heard.

If a girl prefers to run with the boys she is called a tomboy, and there are knowing looks and ‘she’ll grow out of it’ are words exchanged. It’s not long before these and other messages are absorbed by little girls. It’s easy to flatter a nine-year-old daughter by encouraging her to be mother’s little helper, and to entreat her to keep her clothes clean. Indeed mother and daughter may enjoy sharing some of the chores and going shopping together, and there is no harm in this, unless as a result the daughter is made to feel she does not have the right to strike out in a more independent way. For instance, to make a bit of a mess at times. It is not shameful to be different, or tall, or short, or plump or even noisy and untidy.

When becoming sexually aware it is still more permissible for our sons to sow their wild oats (more of ‘boys will be boys’) but our daughters are told they should be ‘careful’ and ‘not lead the boys on’. A fifteen-year-old pregnant girl told me, ‘I didn’t want sex, but I didn’t know how to say no. I thought he would get cross with me.’ What kind of message have we, as society, given her? Why does the UK have the highest rate of teenage pregnancies in Europe?

It is not chance, either, that it is our daughters who are more at risk with eating disorders. What is the message they are giving US? Nor is it by chance that there are more women than men who become depressed and are admitted to psychiatric hospitals. Horrifying statistics from MIND, the Mental Health Charity, show the burden women carry. In the age group 16-19 years old - sixteen percent of women suffer from a form of mental illness, with only six percent of men. In the age group 20-54, twenty percent of women, but only six percent of men. Another grim statistic is that 2.5 percent of all women will experience a depressive episode during their lifetime. Men? The figure is 1.7 percent for them.

When I worked with women who had been admitted to hospital for treatment for depression, I was astounded to hear how compliant so many of them had become. Very many women had become so cowed by their life and the relationships around them and so worn down, that hospital admission was the only option. This often followed years of medication with tranquillisers, anti-depressants or sleeping pills - all medications to damp down feelings and to keep them from being expressed. If I suggested, even gently, that they might like to think of trying to bring about some changes in their lives I heard, ‘Oh no, I don’t want to rock the boat’ or ‘I couldn’t, my husband wouldn’t like that.’

What became clear was that women were reluctant to ‘make a fuss’ as they saw it. They felt it was their lot in life to ‘make do’ and to be grateful for what they had - even if it wasn’t what they had chosen. Why? Why? Why? What had happened to these women to make them afraid of standing up and speaking up?

Of course, there are some young women who will resist being moulded into ‘sugar and spice’ but they often have to accept the disapproval and open disappointment which goes with this choice.

The women’s movement has helped to give some women a voice. They have sometimes had to face criticism from other women, as well as from men. They have been called ‘strident’, ‘unfeminine’, ‘troublemakers’ and worse. Even Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said he didn’t know what women wanted. So here we are, in the year 2000, and still there are women who have as their role models grandmothers and mothers who sighed as they prepared one more meal on a tight budget. Women’s magazines like to encourage a ‘go for it’ attitude and for many women this works. But think of our sisters for whom life is not one jazzy, sexy scene, but who are pairing up the socks, and who have watched their life drift by.

Today more and more women opt for counselling or therapy in an effort to understand why they are depressed or dissatisfied with their lives. They are reluctant to take medication and want to take a more active role in shaping their own lives. In consulting rooms angry tears are shed because of the recognition of lost opportunities, often through fear of ‘making someone angry’ or even on account of ‘not being liked.’ Last week, from a fifty-five-year old woman I heard this sad comment, ‘I have spent all my life sitting in a teapot looking out of the spout.’

Now we have seen the first space ship commanded by a woman launched into space. She wouldn’t have done that by walking on eggshells and hiding her light under a bushel! Come on, ladies, make a fuss and let yourself be heard! You have got a lot to say.

© Jill Curtis 2004