Your family? My family? Our family? 

The family has become a political issue in most countries, and it is a concept which can arouse the strongest feelings. For some, it means shelter and warmth, and for others it can make the hairs on the back of their necks stand upright with horror. What picture does the word family' conjure up for you?

I believe that many people would like to turn the clock back to an imagined golden time, but I wonder if there ever was a period when it meant the same for all people. Probably not. What has altered is that there is more open discussion about the changes which have, and are, taking place.

Every one of us is affected in some way by the ever growing number of divorces, and the variations in the structure of the family this has caused. After the breakup of a family from a divorce, the lone parent first has to regroup as a new' family, and this will, hopefully, include a continuing involvement of the other parent with the children. But all this takes time to establish.

Moreover, if a mother, or father, then remarries and a stepfamily is created this can be a tricky time for everyone. For the parent remarrying there is often a conflict of interests in having to look in two directions at once. For someone without children marrying someone with children, there may be difficulty in building a new married life with the shadow of the partner's old existence making itself felt. At first, when falling in love it is easy to convince each other that ‘all you need is love', and that the formation of a step or blended family will go smoothly. However, many couples who have already gone down that path have discovered that there are often dangers ahead which must not be ignored. Don't get swept up in your new relationship so quickly that you forget to tie up as many loose ends as you can. In that way you are less likely to begin life with a new partner carrying a load of grievances from the past.

Very careful preparations have to be made if the new relationship is to get off to a good start. Any guidelines for a prospective stepparent should be taken to heart: go slowly, go very slowly indeed when getting to know the children of your new love. And the second most important point is never to criticise the children's absent parent. This may, in practice, be hard to do, and you may be provoked. But if you are able to bite your tongue most of the time, you will eventually earn the undying gratitude of your stepchildren, and your new partner.

If you get caught in the web of ‘my' children, and ‘your' children, take care not to be seen constantly to bend over backwards in an effort to please your stepchildren. Blending together a family can be uphill work, and this is where ‘fusion' can become ‘confusion' if you are not very careful. Do keep in mind that your children have probably been through several changes in the family set-up, and although you know how much you love them, the kids may feel unsettled, and not be so sure. They will need plenty of reassurance as they adjust into the new family situation. If you think about it, there are not many guidelines on how to become a stepchild, and you will need to ease their path as they learn to live with new siblings and your new partner.

Remember that at the end of the day, it is not how a family is labeled - ‘traditional', ‘step', ‘blended', ‘gay' or ‘one-parent' - but what the interaction is like between the members of the family. Whether or not they look after each other, whether there are people to turn to when the outside world feels cold.

Warm loving families can be created from the devastation of a broken family, but it takes love, time, and a will to succeed. But it is a fresh start, and if you have those ingredients, and a little bit of luck, the word ‘family' will bring a glow into your heart. And that's a wonderful plus for everyone.

© Jill Curtis 2004

To read more about relationships, marriage and divorce get Jill’s new book Find Your Way Through Divorce